Chapter Nine. Return to Green Valley. .The whole truth and nothing but the truth no illusions...
Second attempt at reconciliation fails, I also fail and Rosetta's illness progresses. I am out to sea...and I move into my own separate dwellings..ended up coming home only one day a week, to see the children. Rosetta's illness perhaps allows a death to occur-Celia.....
Let me just state this; ' I didn't love Rosetta but I didn't hate her, I just didn't understand her', or how to deal with her symptoms, and the insanity, chaos, complete with disorganisation and somewhat unclean conditions.
oI was back with family for 6 months fully, JACQUELINE, STELLA, MICHELLE, DANIEL, BRIAN, HEIDI, then for a further year or so on and off and finally completely gone, by 1971, when I could afford it. So there were two separations 1968 and 1969, and 1971 until I remarried in late 1973...So there we have two periods of two year separations, the last being final from the start of it.So it was not a real separation but a non legalised divorce.
It was all an incomprehensible mess, chaos if you will,and if I had known the truth I probably could have been more effective in dealing with it all; At least I would have had a point of reference.
At this stage we both failed as neither of us could cope wiandth the situation...we set up for failure getting married at 17 and being thrown out of our homes...
...(...It was also obvious in retrospect that the children had 'ATTACHMENT DISORDER' WITH THEIR MOTHER, also Rosetta herself no doubt with her own parents ,who she often said did not love her...)
On arrival in Sydney I caught a cab out to the Liverpool area and to where the family were living, an hour or so drive from the airport for less than eight dollars in those days. They were living on a huge public housing estate far from anything. The taxi driver got lost and the more I saw of this area, the more forebodings I had. I had a terrible sinking feeling as we arrived at the little house, new or not. It was a small ten square fibro cottage on a corner, and was the typical common , Government Housing, austere and functional; And not only Govt but Private as well. There was a chicken farm of sorts on the opposite side of the street, where one of ROSETTA strange friends Carole, lived. There was no library anywhere nearby or any major shopping centre, everything was a bus ride away, except for a gas station and a row of shops up the street. The busiest being the chippy and take away. It was a vast cultural desert, so common in Australia, at that time. I was twenty six years of age at this time and Rosetta was twenty seven. Rosetta looked much the same except her hair hadn't been dyed recently and was grey in parts. The kids were of course much bigger, after two years, and seemed happy to see me, even though Rosetta had told them a lie, that I had deserted the family. Of course Brian was too young and Heidi wasn’t born when I left. So I had to get to know them, Dan was happy that I was home again though. When the truth was Rosetta waited until I was in Canada and told me she wasn’t coming over and it was finished; We were separated! She apparently knew that she would not be coming over from the start, but it was all confusing.
It took a few days to settle in and I was introduced to Rosetta's boyfriend, Ross, amongst others.He was an Italian-Australian and had a farm out Bonnyrigg way.He seemed to be regular guy but also seemed to belong to the same group of friends as Rosetta, and she was mixing with Ross and the others. So one could see, the type of relationship that we both had---just for the children! Which had been the situation up until before I left and actually from the beginning. Considering the liasons that Rhi had before, I had left, it looked like she was going into the 'that relationship' style again. All were very strange people, and some obviously suffering from some kind of disorders. I still didn't notice what was in front of my eyes. In fact the first weekend a girl, who was a 'dancer/stripper' and was performing at the local pubs and clubs stayed the weekends. She and Rosetta shared the bed and I slept on the couch. This is the same situation as before I left, for North America, where she knew a lot of people, who had occupations on the peripheral of society. There were always strange people who had been strippers, call girls and other strange jobs turning up from where? In retrospect they must have been in some therapy group or other, and their occupations, perhaps delusional. (This all looked like a replay,as covered in 'Early Sydney Chapter 5'). She apparently stayed over when she was working out there from time to time.
I got on well with the children and I did all the fatherly things, like going to the beach etc. I was a bit puzzled why she wanted me to meet her boyfriend though,but she did ask me if it was OK, and we even went to gatherings, where he was present also. However I wasn't bothered by this, at all, and he seemed to be part of her group, and they danced and spent a lot of time together. Also our marriage from the start had been somewhat different, so to speak, due to the fact it was all contrived and we were thrown together, even after we had broken up. There never had been any commitment, or love match, as it was all about the situation of getting pregnant in the first place..and doing the right thing so to speak, as they used to say, ‘had to get married’. Rosetta was mentally ill and had some intellectual problems,who was not extremely literate, and I was quite highly literate and academic. We were probably really never married in Catholic terms, as it was all under duress, and could have got it all annulled if we could have been bothered at all.
I used to rent a Ford Falcon from Avis every weekend, even was given a special card, then I bought a used Nissan Cedric and I could take the kids out and about..
I actually stayed sober for about six months, but the situation at home was getting to me, and I could see that there was no communicative relationship, and it wasn’t going to work out, as it never had done previously; This was really the start of the end of the second attempt.For when I took the first drink again, I was admitting to myself the fact there was no point.
(I tried to sort it out but the longer I was there the more I knew that there was no hope.. If there had been no children I would not have returned at all, and probably returned to North America.)
I actually think that neither of us knew what ‘marriage’ really meant, and hadn't even made a commitment to the idea and we had not really moved beyond our teen years; We were sexual 'room-mates' with children. I think I was in a state of shock for the situation at home was a bit strange, and there was absolutely no conversation, as Rhi had some intellectual problem. I think that my mind had woken up from its sleep when I was in America and I was now a different person than when I went away.
The two year break, and separation, gave me an experience of normality so when I came into abnormality I had a different approach than before I went away and had no point of reference to what was normal and what was not. Her family had not given me any pointers on the diagnosis and how to handle it, so I was flying blind.
In Australia I had given up on developing my intellect and had become somewhat slower than I was when I was much younger. Before I went away, I hardly read a book and seemed almost anti-intellectual, but now my mental, if not my emotional, maturity had accelerated. This, was my big attempt, at a normal lifestyle, as a family man and a father, I failed. I failed because we had been separated for two years, and things were not normal even before the separation. Before I left for Canada I had been on long trips and was starting to involve myself in a different personal life. I don't know what I thought but I did try and I felt I owed it to the kids. However this was going to be the trap and an initial lack of funds made it impossible to do anything else.
Rosetta seemed to sleep late everyday and, any ironing or button sewing required, I did myself. She was always in bed when I left for work so I never had breakfast with her either. In fact not much house work was done either, and the food left overs and cereal were just tipped out the kitchen window to the dogs. However most of it stuck to the wall going down and stayed there. I bought her a new washing machine for about $300, 1970 dollars in those days. It was a top of the line system but the top was soon covered in shit as she just threw the baby nappies in without cleaning out the poop from them first. On one occasion it was inches high, and I had to tell the girls about it, as they were just following along. I could never really find out what she was thinking about and any books that had been brought home for the kids were just drawn in. I never saw Rhi read a book and she only talked about the book 'Heidi' from when she was hospitalised at fifteen, and that was probably read to the group as part of their therapy...apparently there was some identification for them in that novel.Rosetta was picking her fingers around the nails until they bled again also, indicating some habit or compulsion due to stress.
It was an extremely mystifying situation, so I just "tuned out" and lay on the couch, most of the time. I think at this stage I had realised that the situation was really non-existent, and after six months I was fed up, and that was the end of the experiment for all intents and purposes, and we both knew that, and had known that for years; In fact we had always known that! The fact that Rosetta had some intellectual problem, left almost all communication and conversation out of the equation.
I never knew what was going to happen next and how the behaviour would play out. Rosetta didn't seem to grasp what I told her and when we went shopping the cart was full of soft drinks, cookies and treats, and even a crate of large soft drinks was delivered every week as well.
Also if anything could be said at all it would be that there was not much overt affection in the house or family. Rosetta was attentive to a couple of the younger children only, and the rest were mainly fending for themselves; I did some 'bear hugging' but it was not really a substitute. I was a functional alcoholic and could not handle the situation at home in spite of trying for years.( Heidi was spoiled as she was named after the book and that book was used in the home she was in before she met me, for girls with psychological problems and conditions.)
(I later had professionals in the mental health area tell me most families cannot handle these situations. I could have got back on a plane and returned overseas I suppose but that would be abandoning the kids; So I stayed and visited weekly in the end result).THE KIDS HAD ATTACHMENT DISORDER INTERGENERATIONAL.
We had just been thrown together by force of circumstances, had no affection between us and the children prevented an escape. (The break/separation in America had made a lot of difference.) I thought it was just a fact to accept and try and make the best of it. There was also the reaction on my part of coming from a broken home, and this no doubt affected me, at least. On Rosetta part it probably was a desire, for some security and making the children secure. I think that like most women this was one of the high priorities in her mind, not emotional ties. Really we were in a big trap, that could have been avoided if her parents had told the truth about her illness, and we didn't really know why were in it. I don't know why I couldn't see what was in front of my eyes, even after numerable hints. I was a total incompetent a naïve kid still, really, Unless it was a subconscious mental block to the obvious. (My brother Paul once went into her brother's shop back home and said 'Hi I am Paul my brother used to be married to your sister'...her brother Dan just turned around went into the back, full of shame no doubt as he was one of those saying she was better now?)
(A social worker, dealing with one of our daughters, many years later in Canada told me as I was so young at marriage I probably thought that it was how it was supposed to be...as I had no reference points; Neither did the kids. The same social worker wanted to know details of ROSETTA as she considered the problem to be genetic and she was reinforced knowing that Rosetta was in a mental hospital at 15 years of age, for a nervous breakdown and depression). I bought a swimming pool, a freezer food plan, a new big stereo TV and a Stereo, plus a fence around the garden, plus a top of the line washing machine cost $350 in 1971. However Rosetta put nappies aka diapers in the machine without emptying the feces so everything was in a state....
Rosetta later said, as we were not in love or anything like that, the only interaction was sex and I should have stayed in America. That way she could have married her Ross, who was a member of her mental group, and moved on to his farm. He used to take the family to the Jenolan Caves and outings like that. We never at any time treated whatever association that we had as a marriage. I suspect that he also suffered from a similar illness to her, which meant they had something in common. At least she didn't have to conceal the fact as she felt she had to do from me. This is what she intimated to me anyway. She gave him up for the same reason I came back, the children. This type of decision rarely if ever works out satisfactorily, and in our case it was an unmitigated disaster.
I, perhaps, had made an error in moving back, even if I wasn't verbalising this and was just hanging in because I could see no other alternative. Also what about the kids? I used to get frustrated and a few times had swept the dishes off the sink. At least they were inanimate objects, and not human beings. On one occasion the key to the wardrobe was lost and I needed to get my business shirts out. So I took one of my rifles and shot a hole in the door lock. As a result my shirt tails had shrapnel holes in them. What a house to have firearms in! (Although rifles were commonly held by many people in Australia, but handguns were illegal. I had them to go hunting but I never felt the urge to go and kill something. However my mental stress wasn't conducive to proper firearms care). I felt sorry for Rosetta but I didn't seem to be able to help her, even though at this time I was still living at home, and she was continually contradictory. When I tried she would just clam up or not comprehend what I was talking about. Later, she sometimes she would come out with weird stuff, like the photos are looking at her, and destroy them. I couldn't understand it, so I just tuned out. Another strange thing was she would never take her cardigan off, even in 100 degree heat. ( maybe there were needle marks from injections of medications)? She seemed to be paranoid about her arms and there was nothing wrong with them.. She had a problem in her mouth on the gums..( She always had rotten teeth as she was afraid to go to the dentist due to paranaoia, even when I had money and suggested it many times...).
I tried to communicate with Rosetta and I often would help her with her spelling and things like that; So obviously I cared from a human level, as she also had 'intellectual problems', which also was probably genetic. She had not been able to handle school at fifteen years of age, or earlier and was already hospitalised for mental illness episodes, and I had met her roomate and the mother also. I also knew the special school she went on the Hoylake Road in Hoylake, that Rosetta and her friend Denny went to. They apparently used the book 'Heidi' in the hospital, as she talked a lot about it, and it seems to have struck a chord with her. However I never saw her read anything more than a glossy magazine so they must have read it to the young patients as part of distraction, and or therapy.
Anyway I had started to drink again and ended up smashing my car and losing my drivers licence. (I started with stopping at a pub in Paramatta and having a pint of Guinness and it felt so so good, but within a short time I was drinking everyday again). I made an attempt to defend myself at court and pleaded not guilty. Even though I was found unconscious in the front seat and the car smashed up against a telegraph pole. I called one of the salesmen to give evidence, hoping he would show that I wasn't drunk. His name was Colin and he came from Rhodesia. Well I gave my statement, blaming some fellow who was in the car with me. Well Colin got up and answered questions, but in answer to one question he said, "I don't think Tony was drunk for I drink with him everyday and he can drink more than that." No more said, fined and suspended! I was what they call a functioning alcoholic, I could always get up at 7 am and get to work and do my job..I didn’t drink everyday and when I did it was because I was making a lot of money. My family never suffered financially due to my drinking, luckily. During this period I started to sleep at my friends, in town, a lot. The fact that it was so far to Rhi's place helped but I didn't really want to go out there.
The worst news was -Rosetta got pregnant again!!! What a bummer! She was on the pill supposedly, I was absolutely stunned that this had happened and was beginning to wonder if it was all deliberate, as we had long since decided not to have more children, as before...What am I? the sperm donor? Its a wonder it didn't depress me....may be it did!
I guess she didn't like taking the pill, even when she had them, and I did check the little pill pack, with the dates on, now and again. She also used to talk of a 'contraceptive cap', of some kind but obviously she wasn't using it. This was probably a diversion to the fact whe was not taking her pills regularly. It was insanity to introduce more children into an already large family, and we had agreed upon that a number of times. In fact I had attempted to restrict the family to just three children, when we were on the Immigration Hostel, but the family kept growing. Already Rosetta couldn't cope and this was just more work for the bigger girls. In fact ‘Jackie’ and ‘Stella’ were really the mothers in the family and they needed a mother themselves. They were angry at the news of a new pregnancy and told Rosetta that they thought it was disgusting and stupid. They were never short of having a shot at their mother normally.
(I really couldn't understand what was going on, and Rosetta would use excuses like the pill isn't strong enough I will get another type and so on; I suppose my drinking contributed to a lack of consciousness, and it doesn't take much for some to get pregnant).
Anyway the pregnancy turned out to be twins an extra disaster, for they were born two months prematurely. They were months in the hospital and very delicate. They were only five pounds and a couple of ounces together. Each weighed less than three pounds. We even had them Baptised in the hospital for they looked like they wouldn't make it. I was telling God that if he saved their lives I would go back to Mass. I must have been really desperate! It is strange how people bargain with God in situations like this,-superstition I suppose, as there is no intervening ‘God’. The other kids were all in Catholic Orphanages and Homes for a couple of week while, I got over the initial shock, and Rosetta came out of hospital. I don't think the kids were popular in the homes, unruly the Irish Nuns said. However at the time my income was still limited, as I had not built it up yet.
Eventually the babies came home and seemed to be doing alright but they hadn't been through the winter yet, and Rosetta would not move. Australian houses rarely have heating and in the suburbs they do have frosts. So we were using kerosene and electric heaters. The house walls were just thin fibro and the damp came into the house also. The government wasn't much interested in those days and there were no facilities nearby. The whole area of Green Valley was a vast grey suburb of warehousing for people. In those days it took nearly two hours to get to Sydney by bus and train, and in fact was an expedition, for there were no freeways.
I was still thinking about spirituality and one of my Irish drinking buddies, "Paddy, Martin", started suggesting I baptise the children. I really didn't care one way or the other but he pushed the point. He had only recently been married and we had been to the wedding at the Naval Chapel at South Head. Actually poor Rhi was extremely down on this day as well. She did not smile the whole time and was very depressed, and the reception didn't help. Thinking about her own wedding I suppose, or perhaps one she had missed. Anyway most of the kids could walk to their own Baptism and it was performed at Liverpool Catholic Church. So Tommy, myself, and Paddy went home and got drunk, wetting the babies head. Paddy's new wife was not impressed and they left soon enough. I could see that she was going to have a good affect on him, for he was a drinker like the rest of us. I took the girls to Mass for a few weeks but it soon petered out due to a lack of interest in all concerned. The Congregation were not all that friendly either and gave us strange looks, for we came from the poor area and the Church was in the private housing area.
My uncertain business was starting to do better now and there was a little more money. I almost avoided going home and always tried to bring visitors home with me, so I wasn't alone there. I don't really know why I used to do this? Perhaps I needed company to face the chaotic situation.Even the food situation was chaotic as the kids were eating mosty take away chinese rolls and fish and chips on the settees and then stuffing the paper down the side of of the cushions...and the oven was never used and there turned out to be a mouse nest behind it...Also the rest of the food was pop and cookies/biscuits...I tried several times to change things in many way but after a couple of days it all reverted so I gave up.
During the times I didn't have a car or my license was suspended, I had to use the trains. Sometimes I would get drunk and miss my stop on the train. One time I awoke, in the early hours, in the train sheds, I had been put to bed with the trains. This was due to the fact that I would get drunk and then sit and wait for my train. Invariably I would fall asleep and on waking run on to any train, thinking it was mine. I used to end up all over the Sydney area and would take hours and hours to get home.
I had to work from 9 am and then have to take a crew out until 11 pm, or at least meet them. So there was no way I could get home in the evenings unless I was working that particular suburb, as in those days we were one and a half hours out of town, with no freeways. I think only the children kept me there. I definitely wasn't a sober, responsible human being. I don't think that I had emotionally developed much beyond a teenager. I really didn't know what to do about my situation. I used to frequent "Jim Buckley's", Newcastle Hotel, (See Appendix 3 Buckley's Pub),whilst waiting to meet the crews, which became my new home from home, and I eventually moved into my own flat in Bondi, Edward St,with my friend Sam Skiathitis. This was an interesting Artie pub, full of British and Irish and local characters. All the famous drank there and you could rub shoulders with everybody from Barry Humphries to Germaine Greer. One character that I found amusing was Raven. He used to get dressed up as a Priest and then be thrown out of the pub swearing, and shouting that this was a terrible way to treat, "a man of the cloth". This amused the locals and shocked the tourists. One of his tricks was to dress up in his Priest gear, buy a case of beer, and go on the Manly ferry. Whilst on the ferry he would be drunk and he would harangue the passengers, who really thought he was a drunken, swearing Priest. This was highly amusing to those who knew the true situation. Unfortunately Raven was nearly responsible for my death, when he left me asleep in a burning house. He fell asleep smoking and set fire to his mattress. Unfortunately he forgot that I was sleeping over that particular night. Luckily I awoke with a sore throat, calmly dressed, and surprised the firemen by walking through the smoke. They told me that I should have been dead, and that I was very lucky. Raven told them I was trying to be a martyr. At one point Raven was on the front page of the newspaper, under the headline, "The Laziest man in Australia."
He also used to speak in the Domain, which is the Sydney equivalent of London's "Speaker's Corner". There were some very intelligent and aware people in "Jim Buckley's", pub. One was a good, intellectual, friend Sarah, we often had political discussions at the pub ,for she worked there as a barmaid, whilst studying. During one bad stressful episode she introduced me to deep relaxation. Starting with breathing and then relaxing the body, from toe to head. The Sarvana Asana, or Corpse Pose in Yoga in fact. This was my first introduction to Yoga but she didn't call it that. I used this pose a lot and was able to get very relaxed if I remembered to practice it. I still use it to this day and can get very deep meditation through it. It has saved my sanity on many an occasion, even before I became spiritual.
During this period Rosetta mentioned that she was worried about the behaviour of one of our children but wouldn't elaborate. This child would later be diagnosed as mentally ill. Obviously there were signs even at that young age, to those who knew what to look for. I just thought that she got a little over exuberant but it was more than that. Most of the kids were pretty much doing what they wanted to anyway and if I corrected them it would be ignored as soon as I wasn't there; They were really out of control and cheeky.
I went to a few business dinners and I took Rosetta, but it was a disaster for her. She ended up being isolated and sitting by herself, not communicating with the other women. This was so often the case with me at home also. So she never went to anymore business dinners, and this was another difference. She was out of her element and it was no pleasure for her. She had some intellectual problem, which was also genetic, I suppose I felt obligated to her and believed that she should share in my new found weekly 'prosperity'.
On one occasion I brought home an Irish couple, who were returning to Ireland the next week and Rosetta ignored them completely. They just sat out in the yard by the swings and the swimming pool and talked to me. I didn't understand this behaviour at the time but it must have been paranoia. They were very good about it all and probably realised that there was something seriously wrong, which is more than I was realising. I thought that she just was being unfriendly again. The lady was a nurse also I believe, and she said not to worry as she could see something was wrong. So my whole thinking and attitude came from a point of misunderstanding, instead of compassion, for I was truly ignorant of the facts. At this time I was also starting to spend more time in town, staying with friends, sleeping in my big car, and the occasional hotel room. I think that I was really 'getting out'. So, half of my week was not spent at home, only a weekend, so to speak. My lifestyle was very business but with '60s' early 70s use of all the various intoxicants, substances and parties of the same that I went to. I had all my suits and clothes in the laundry down from the office and I kept them in a spare room. I even bought a block of land in Mt Druitt, but had to eventually sell it. I also was starting to live a single type life at this time....which would progress. I recall taking Kiwi Linzi to the movie Ryan's daughter, when it opened, in early 1971, and we went out for a time, but were not sexual partners.I did pay for Rose's driving lessons also but the instructor brought her back after a couple of days and said it was impossible to teach her---so that was that...
In 1971 my sister, MAUREEN Henrietta, husband Phil . and baby DOMINIC later Purcell, came out Australia. D was a great little guy with blond curly hair, and quite the performer. In fact he grew up to be a movie actor in the USA; D ..Phil's father Luke I got on very well with in the UK, he was quite generous when we were short of money, and he gave us a few pounds for a pint on a few occasions, and I was ever greatful for that. And in fact returned the favour in spades when he needed help in Australia. Henrietta and family moved in with us, as I had signed for them, which wasn't a successful idea with Rosetta and the 8 kids. I made sure the freezer plan had the freezer full of food and meat, and I made sure there was always a case of beer in the fridge for Phil. Rosetta didn't seem that happy, in fact poor Rosetta was sending the kids in to tell them that they were in their bedrooms, and to get out. She just didn't want anyone interfering in her strange lifestyle. Which usually meant, sleeping in and many days not even getting changed out of a housecoat: Phil even gave Stella spank for being abusive. I had been promoted at work and I was making big money, so I thought it would be a good idea to buy a house for the family. For after all, we were living in public housing. I don't think I would have ever lived there but it would have been for the family, and an investment. I took Rhi to see a new estate but she had no interest in moving. Too insecure and preferring her little house, at least it was hers, and in her name. The fact that I didn't spend all week at home may have played a part in her decision also. In fact a friend of mine was the manager of the real estate company and he asked me about it, next time he saw me in town. As his salesman had told him the story of my interview about buying a new house. At this time I was often three or four days, or more, away in town. I later made another attempt at moving the family to Dover Heights, an upscale suburb, near Bondi, but it also failed, and I had to recover my deposit. Rosetta was too paranoid to move it seems, and her friends were all at her present area, plus her house was only ever in her own name.
A LITTLE GIRL DIES;CELIA.
One day in May, (21st.) Phil asked for a lift into town so I agreed to take him in and bring him back. I noticed that the twins were looking a bit pale and sick, so I told Rosetta to call the doctor, out to the house, for they may need hospitalising again. Humidicribs and all the special equipment for undeveloped lungs, plus antibiotics...It was 7am and the office didn't open until 8 or 9 am and I was leaving for work and taking Phil with me.
My sister Maureen and Phil were both in the room when I said this.
That evening, Phil and I, arrived home very late, as usual, after meeting my sales crew and Phil, so I went straight to bed. I was awakened in the morning to Rosetta crying and nursing Celia. I took a look at the baby and she had dead staring eyes and was very floppy. I didn't want to believe it but she had died, during the night. I held her, walked around with her, then I gave her to my sister to hold whilst I organised what I had to organise..My sister Maureen was holding her and crying as well, we all knew the true fact. However the human mind is strange and we were in some form of denial.
Anyway we rushed her to the hospital and after a short time she was declared dead. The doctor said she was very flat when she came in, and they gave us an injection of something or other. When we arrived home, Rhi was howling like a banshee and I was getting drunk .I remember the police telling me that it wouldn't do me any good but I hit the scotch anyway.
I asked Rosetta did she call the doctor, she said yes, but there was no record of a call at the office, and if he didn't come the first time why not call again? The police present made some inquiries also but came back with the no call report.Maureen was there all day with Dominic, so why did she not check that? It is hard to explain this nightmare and how one feels. Only someone who has experienced it can understand the terrible helpless feeling and the pain. It is so totally beyond human power and the shock is terrible.
Celia had suffered a lot,she had to wear socks on her hands for she scratched her face terribly. She must have been in pain with every breath of her immature lungs. The thought I had at the time was, if a little baby can die so easily I could do it too, but I wasn't meaning it in a suicidal way. This was a major blow and a wake up call to spirituality that I didn't take. I was going to miss her little smile though, for she had such a gentle knowing smile. I couldn't believe the continuing tragedy of our lives it was numbing and agonising. I could hardly imagine what Rosetta was feeling or the other kids for that matter. I think whatever reserves Rosetta had, she had used up nursing the little twins.
Well the next few days were very bad, the other children were upset and we had to plan a funeral. Even at this time I still basically thought like a Catholic, for that was all I knew. So I organised the full Requiem Mass and burial rites, including purchasing the grave plot and eventually an expensive marble tombstone.
Most of my friends came and it was a very sad affair, with the little white coffin and all. (I had had a premonition of this death a few weeks earlier, after smoking a joint that had been dipped, unknown to me,but it didn't make it any easier. The premonition was very strong and lasted for some time, as I lay down in the same room as the babies. It passed after what seemed hours and I was filled with unbelievable sadness. I kept this to myself for there was no point in upsetting everyone else, and I flushed the dope down the toilet.)
After the funeral, there was another drunken session at the pub and house of course. There is nothing worse than the death of a child and the effects on the family were devastating.-----My answer was to self-medicate with more alcohol, although I could still function in my work etc.
Soon after this Phil, . Maureen and family moved out, or 'did the bunk',whilst I wasn't there, and didn't leave a forwarding address or contact number, thank you very much. I found out later they moved in with a Billy Jones, a Liverpudlian Scouser, who I also used to know from the Bondi Royal, as a guy that could 'get you anything'....a fence. I was drinking more and Rhi was down;As a result the children were neglected more than usually. Celia's twin sister Siobhan was quite strong, had extreme developmental problems, but was in no immediate, danger. There was no help from any Social Services but life went on with the older girls taking most of the weight with the young ones. Jackie and Stella and to a lesser extent Michelle, mothered the other children for Rosetta was disfunctional most of the time. (Of course in my ignorance, of the truth, I thought that she was negative, lazy and dirty. I think initially, I thought this was how things were supposed to be.) This seemed to distract me from even paying attention to the children, for they all seemed a little out of control. However Rhi did have friends who lived close by and with whom she visited, and could rely on.
However the death was going to have a definite affect on the situation at home now. Up until now, we had problems but now we had death to deal with. This was the death knell to the family, all was now madness, things had gone from confusion to chaos.
I wasn't there most of the time, and when I was, I was really of no help. I was overwhelmed, and bewildered, by the situation also, I suppose. I had tried over the years to put some organisation into things but it never lasted.
I was having serious doubts about whether Rosetta had actually called the doctor, for the doctor's office had no record of any call, and I even verbalised this. I came to realise there was no phone call to the doctor. If this was true then the poor sick girl must have been eaten up with guilt, for the child would have been hospitalised. Or perhaps in her mind she didn't want the child to go back into hospital. I think it would have only delayed events at best. I wondered whether my sister had said anything about calling the doctor though, for she was there when I said the doctor should be called, but that could have been fobbed off by Rhi anyway. For little Celia was coming to the end of her Karmic sentence and had only a small time to serve. I of course didn't think like this at that time, consequently it was all, painful in the extreme.
I actually got my lawyer Mike Gallagher from the afternoon newspaper, The Mirror, to investigate with the intention of taking action against the doctor in question. The local police had been told as well, and nothing came of it. However Mike got back after some time and suggested it was a lost cause and there was no evidence at all that there had not been any call at all.He also had access to the doctor in question's medical records on Rosetta and the twins...so no doubt knew that she was mentally ill. This was the first time that I realised that Rosetta had been lying again and there had been no call, it was a terrible realisation. My sister was there in the room when I told Rosetta to call the doctor out, and I wondered why she didn't do something when it was obvious no doctor was coming out...That would have been welcome interference!! However she may have been fobbed off...by Rosetta, who knows and at this time I was blaming the doctor.
I still don't know what effect it had on the children but all I could do was go to work and of course drink. I was a functional alcoholic and was never late for work. Rosetta was probably in a state of depression but I again didn't understand that. Also she would have been drained from everything that had happened. I must have been a real dummy!
'She's not well you know, you'll find out', said her mother in 1960 without explaining any further. I felt she was at the very least bi-polar and probably borderline paranoid schizoid, personality disorder.As I mentioned I found bottles of chlorpromazine mostly full, back in the 1960s..and there was another name beginning with L on the top of the label. Although she had been diagnosed manic depressive when she was fifteen after a 'nervous breakdown'.
As far as spirituality was concerned, I was still holding on to some, but in form only. I knew that Celia was still alive somewhere but I didn't think too deeply about it. In fact my behaviour became more outrageous over the next few months. I really can't remember how I felt because I was drinking heavily, more so than before. There were more black-outs and falling asleep everywhere, and I averaged one car smash a month, all stationary or parked vehicles. I even had a panel beater on hand to do my work immediately. I had my own emotional problems as well it seems, and they were pretty deep rooted. I was born a couple of drinks below normal. Some of these smashes were so bad it is a wonder I wasn't killed or somebody else. I think one thing that helped me was I lived in a flat nearby, in Edward Street with my friend Sam/ Themistocles,in Bondi. So all my driving was mostly local even if impaired. I would never have survived highway, or freeway, driving. In those days, in Australia, driving impaired, unfortunately, was not something out of the ordinary, as it is today.
My mother also came out to Australia and stayed with us for a while. This is when I found out where my sister had gone to, as she called me, by surprise, and asked me to pick my Mum up from the airport, as Philip had to work. So she had to give me her address, at Billy's place, for me to drop my mother off at. I then had to go and do some business meetings that were already scheduled,as I was unaware of the date of my mother's arrival, and I didn't get out to Rosetta's until the next morning early. I remember my mother's face when I arrived back the first morning,that she was there, after being out all night, she looked like a stunned mullet. I barely made it there for Christmas as I spent Christmas Eve with my girlfriend Elizabeth, an American school teacher from Minnesota or near; I went to Rosetta's place on Christmas Day to see the kids.
aureen Apparently both my sister and my mother didn't want Rosetta and the kids visiting them. I can't blame her, for it was a long journey into town, 1½ hours and the house was full of madness, and wild kids. In fact I had more or less moved out before my mother did. I wasn't there most of the time, and when I was, I was really of no help. I was overwhelmed, and bewildered, by the situation also, I suppose. In fact about this time I made the move permanently and stayed at my own place in town...and led a completely separate life, if that wasn’t what I was already doing, and doing my own thing. Some of my girlfriends and mates, ROSETTA had met at different times, usually under business or work circumstances, and one independently ..some more than once...I had not bothered looking at a divorce but I now remember sitting down with Mike discussing it, as he knew all about it. I wanted to get a divorce and sort everything out legally and financially. Sometimes a girlfriend and I would give Rosetta and her friends a lift into town...if I had been out to borrow an amplifier, or some other equipment, that was still out there.
I helped to run an Irish Folk Club for a while also, and we raised money for Charities in Northern Ireland. These were 'non-violent' organisations or charities, just helping out families, widows and orphans, who were interned. Some people didn't like us very much and somebody bombed the door of the Irish Club in Sydney.
(I gave this up after the drunks even got too much for me). However it was a roar of a place...It was the upstairs of the Buffalo Hall in uptown Sydney...We go it for free as the lodge sold the beer...and that was a lot to mostly Irish and Australians. We opened after the pubs shut so we were always full...I provided the sound system and acted as the compere...I sang a few songs and my partner Pascal was a co- compere.. The entertainment was the crowd and they had guitars, penny whistles and all kind of instruments to play plus all could sing well....There were a few lunatics dancing around and a few noisy drunks that had to be removed for fighting but apart from that it was a good night...Paddy Black would get up every week stand on a chair and give Emmet’s speech from the dock. I can still see him now standing there posing and going on about Lord North and liberty and such..Angela would sing a few country songs..and Steve would sing the Beatles. Raven would turn up and give outrageous speeches and his version of singing and had to be shut up...Every now and then there would be a fight amongst the Irish boys from the buildings, and the ladies would be scared.
However the women stopped coming and it ended up just drunken lads...so I gave it up as well...It had the possibilities of being a good deal though..
Rosetta's behaviour became more polarised with extreme mood swings and paranoia.I was best man at a wedding that Rosetta was at also and I was talking to a female guest, a friends wife,when Rosetta came up from where she was sitting with a female employee of mine, Pamela, and my mother, to where we were sitting, at the top table, and said, in a raised voice....'You can have him, I don't care, but take all his fucking kids as well'. Luckily the female guest, a business associate's wife, Rosco Hancock's, realised there was a problem, and didn't take too much offence...However it indicated the way Rosetta's mind was going at this time...I'm sure she wasn't saying she didn't love the kids, as she obviously did, but the way her mind was going indicated a mental deterioration.
(Rosetta still could talk to my mother, after we had her address, and went over
to her and Maureen's house a couple of times, when she was under
stress or 'having an episode'..she just took a taxi as she had plenty of
money..Only in retrospect did I realise they were episodes...I just thought it was strange behaviour or negativity, no doubt no stories lost anything in the telling as she was a pathological liar,and paranoid; ( My sister related some fantasies she told her to me later), All symptoms of her illness. I of course in my ignorance thought she did it all on purpose; being ignorant of her diagnosis, but it was all impersonal to me and more about her situation). I used to find strange pills, psychiatric prescriptions,from time to time, and when I asked her about them, she would just say they were special headache pills. I never remember her having unusual headaches, migraines or anything like that, so it was a cover for not being able to cope probably.
Final Move into Permanent Apartment............THE SECOND and final SEPARATION STATUS; Really a non legalised divorce. the first being the two years.
At Green Valley there was another total surprise pregnancy, announced and a little girl Brigid Patricia, was born, later in the next year.
Rosetta must have got pregnant before the time I finally moved out, to a flat in Edward, St Bondi with my friend Themistocles; This would have been in the Australian,spring/summer of 1971. I finally fully set myself up with a permanent apartment instead of temporary situations, such as staying with friends and such. I had been staying with friends for a year or two, and kept my clothes at the office and dry cleaners, and laundry. My sister and Norma , her sister in law and an ex receptionist of mine, came out and cleaned it for me on a couple of occasions and I paid them for that...So my sister was well aware that I lived a separate single life. I also paid them to work at a large functions my company was having and my girlfriend was my partner at these. I had previously taken my latest girlfriend to my mother and sister's house to introduce them as well; So they knew her. This was just regularising my lifestyle as a single person that is all..I don't know how Rosetta lived and she knew that I was living a single life style with girlfriends and such as she had seen me with them. So no surprises there!!!
And it had been a process of coming home less and less every week, as I made more money, until it was only on a Sunday to see the kids. So there was no sudden surprises or anything like that.
She had a complete life of her own with a team of friends, including her old boyfriend and his and her friends, such as Carole and others, who I could never identify with.
(She later tried to get back with Ross, but I think the effort failed, due to the fact she had extra children, and he had agreed to have only two more). This is what she intimated to me anyway.Ross belonged to the same 'group' she belonged to, which i obviously did not understand...And no doubt he had always been around as they belonged to the same group.
The paranoia about taking pills was the cause of the failure of contraception, even though she had packets of them. Although, at the time, I was ignorant of this symptom!! Another thought that crossed my mind was that it was deliberate to replace the dead Celia. I was always assured that she was on the pill..Otherwise she was addicted to pregnancy in some way, which I later found out is an actual addiction to the chemical and hormonal state in pregnant women!!!!! Also pregnancy is a convenient form of contraception in the early months...Rosetta was somewhat detached from the baby, for some reason, as she was with Siobhan, who was left out in the yard, with the dogs, dressed only a shirt. So here we have the problem with affection again. On one occasion I drove over to one of her friends and I was sure that she was mentally ill. Her name was Patricia and she had heard that Rosetta wanted to give her next child the name of Patricia, which happened to be this lady's name. I mentioned this to Rosetta and I asked how she knew someone living so far away. Rosetta said that they were in the same sewing circle, which I found hard to believe. For, I did all my own ironing and sewing on, of buttons, until I could afford to put my clothes in the laundry and cleaners. Also Rosetta only cooked vegetables and potatoes and meat, everything else was take-away, as she had plenty of money. I once put Rosetta through driving lessons but the instructor refused to take her anymore. He didn't say why but that put paid to me buying her a station-wagon, and giving her some independence. After this woman heard the baby had been not been named in the order she wished she went into a fit, and had some strange episode. Rosetta was quite detached from Brigid though and the girls had to feed her as usual. I think this was due to Rosetta's problems with affection, she was capable of affection mainly with babies but not so much with the older children, who relied on each other. Now she wasn't giving affection to the babies anymore, due to the situation with Celia's death compounding the situation, making affection more difficult.There had never been affection between Rosetta and myself as we were probably not very capable of it due to our own stories, and upbringing, and of course Rosetta had her own problems.
I lived in town and came to Rosetta's place on Sundays for visits, by 1pm. I would visit with the kids, and in the evening I would be drunk, and fall asIeep on the couch-bed. I had in fact moved into a newer apt, around the time my mother was staying there, or just afterwards. (In fact a year or two later my sister Maureen and her sister-in-law Norma Hogan had come and cleaned the flat once or twice). Well I wasn’t there when my Mum moved out anyway. We in fact lived separate lives, and I had my own friends and girlfriends, some of whom I got close to. (As I already mentioned I can date my permanent moving out into my own place to around 1971..Australian Summer..this would be the date of my separation in absolute physical fact, as far as setting up a complete independent residence. Up until this time I stayed at friend's places and didn't have a place of my own, permanently anyway...However I spent only Sunday at Rosetta's to visit the kids). A lot of my time was working from 9 am-3pm and then dropping out a sales crew and then meeting them again at 11 pm at night so everything was a double shifter for me; In fact my life was one long double shift, with some breaks during the evening shift.
Rosetta also had all her own groups of friends, male and female, she used to socialise and go out with, and that was as far as I went with that, as it wasn't of any interest or business of mine, what her relationships were. She was aware of my friends, male and female, and had met one or two friends of mine more than once, one independently; Occasionally myself and a friend would drop Rosetta off in town with her friends, to go out somewhere. At one time when were invited to a wedding by a mutual friend, I showed her my house, at Cammeray, as it was close to the reception. And some had dropped by her house when we were working or out there, and I visited the kids. The house was always in Rosetta's name and never was my name added at any time. Some she had seen in town and others when I gave her and her friends a lift into town.So Rosetta was totally aware of my lifestyle and was living her own life with her own friends.I had taken a few male friends and social friends out there and some were girls...I was not going out with the girls I took there when I was out there, although much later one did become my girlfriend.
Later ---Rosetta much later, had also stopped wearing her wedding rings as well, indicating her understanding of the situation. I never did find out what happened to them. So from her point of view she regarded herself as divorced and had even said this to me.
Robin from New Zealand had worked out that way and dropped in on Rosetta unbeknown to me. Rosetta told me later that she had dropped in and was a nice girl. I think Rosetta thought that Robin was a regular girlfriend of mine..Technically, I hadn't actually been out with Rob at this stage, but when I arrived at my house in Cammeray after a Brisbane trip she met me at the door in her 'sexy night attire'. My housemate Pascal had let her in..So the interview with Rosetta had some effect in this regard,(I don't really know what they talked of but Robin probably found out that she wouldn't be cutting somebody else's grass)..Strange thing is this happened again later on with two other girls...turning up when I was out of town. There were quite a few others and there is no point in naming them, some were in sales, some worked in bars, one was an American school teacher, on a transfer programme.
However Rosetta and I understood the circumstances that had been established as a fact since 1970, or 1962 even. She was fully well aware of the situation and that the return to Australia had been a total failure, which was a given considering there was nothing to save even from the beginning. Rosetta even said she wasn't bothered by my single lifestyle, which I knew already as we were separated and she really wanted to live the same way, and apparently she was more worried about me moving, and her circumstances changing.---security!!! and money!!!, and the children.Also it was Rosetta who broke up the marriage initially when she refused to come to Canada and took up with a regular boyfriend, so there was not much basis there.
At one time, during the 'student summer season', I was renting the house at Cammeray with Pascal Phelan, Rosetta's house at Green Valley. I then moved into a serviced, condotel type, hotel- apartment --The Koala Motor Inn. And I put a sales manager Sam Skiathitis in the Hyde Park Plaza on Oxford Street, as his day rate office.
I needed 'front' for my job so I had a seven thousand dollar Ford. So I had a fair amount of cash flow,...and everybody benefited, including apparently Rosetta's friends.
The business went up and down and was seasonal but even at its worst my income was always several times the average weekly wage: But expenses were very high.
So it appeared to me that everyone had adjusted to the situation, as we had been separated for a couple of years previously, and nothing indicated anything to the contrary.
Later Rosetta went out with an associate’s wife, Janis, who was in the process of leaving him. Mike O'Malley, (I was still living in the Koala Inn and had a one bedroom hotel apartment, condotel style,with a lounge room and kitchen. The bigger girls used to come in sometimes to swim on the rooftop pool, and visit with me).
Rosetta and Mike the associate’s wife, Janis, went to clubs and such, with other divorced and estranged wives of some of my business associates. Mike told me they came climbing through the window in the early hours a little worse for wear. Unfortunately Rosetta spread some stories, about Janis and they fell out of friends. Perhaps the stories were not delusional, perhaps they were, or perhaps Janis could not handle Rosetta 's mental state most of the time. Janis was also doing the 'Mormon Thing' and suggesting to Rosetta that the family could be reunited, for the kids sake,which was just a bad thing to do. It would be shutting the gate after the horse has bolted and was dead and buried, and she didn't know Rosetta's mental condition and confusion and could raise more false delusions,expectations and fantasies...
Rosetta told me she was jealous of my lifestyle, not me, or my friends, per se, but my life, and felt that she was trapped, because of the children, although she loved them...She said this quite often..!!This was an important point as it indicated her state of mind, and the irrational fears she had for the future.
I was talking to Mike about divorce at this time, as he had some information on this also, and I wanted to regularise my situation. He eventually divorced is wife and also moved to the USA, where I met him later and in Canada.and Houston earlier of course...
However it seemed to me that Rosetta's behaviour was becoming paranoid. She seemed to be thinking that there was no way ahead, especially with all the kids.
I think she would have liked to have turned the clock back, to when she was going out with Ross, and even verbalised such a thought, plus the kids indicated that Ross he 'previous boyfriend', had been around visiting her recently, at the house. I don't whether he had been coming around all the time or she was looking for somebody, anybody.Also she had been going out and sometimes overnight I believe...
And there may have been a less than desired result here, resulting in more negative feelings, and one thing leading to another conclusion, that added to an irrational fear.
I think this failure brought to her mind a fearful future that she was afraid of, no doubt she could date Ross, or whoever, but the security of a permanent relationships, with anyone, she had sacrificed for the children.I feel that this was a tipping point in her life and made her realise her predicament .
Also her grandmother and relatives suffered from early onset dementia and this seemed to be mid-life 40-50 years and she was probably aware that this fate was something she would suffer in a few years or more.This was probably another reason she said that people like her used to commit suicide, like her uncle Jack, rather than wait until it happened like her grandmother did...!
Jailed and my car Hi-Jacked.
About a year after I had officially moved out totally and rented an apartment a strange event happened. On one occasion I dropped my sales crew in Liverpool, and Fairfield so as I could visit the children. However when I arrived at Rosetta's place, all that was there to meet me was the police. I was arrested by two policemen and taken down to Liverpool Station NSW, and thrown in the cells. ( Apparently the whole thing was a set up with her friends notifiying the police when I arrived at her place). (Rosetta's behaviour was irrational anyway and on another occasion I had arrived at Rosetta's place and there was nobody home, and they were staying at a friends). I was worried about my crew as they needed to be picked up at about 10:30 pm..So I kept asking for a my lawyer...eventually a cop came around and said 'you don't have a lawyer'. I replied that I did and it was a Mr Mike Gallagher, a friend who was also the lawyer for the most popular afternoon newspaper ;'The Mirror'...I still didn't get out until later, as Rosetta and her 'male friend ', who I had seen up at her house on a couple of occasions,came down to the police station in a 'high state of excitement'...However the police asked her why she didn't drop the bogus 'desertion' charges she had laid,four years before, after she refused to come to Canada..as it was two years since I returned to Australia..A desertion charge no doubt helped her get the house. I had seen the male friend with her before, several times, and he was part of her group of friends, but she seemed quite close to him. I can't remember any of their names, even if I knew any of them. I was bailed out on my own recognizance, the next morning, and all charges were dropped...by the Police, otherwise I would have been in jail over the weekend as well. And Rosetta and her 'male friend' would have had my car for a few days......Rosetta and her 'male friend' had actually taken my car, a 'fully loaded' new Ford with sunroof, the 'top car' in Australia at the time, and could have been charged, with misuse of the vehicle.- Never mind interfering with my business and leaving my employees stranded, while they joy-rided. My crew made their own way home except for one or two they met on a corner waiting..I told them where some were to meet me. However they still had to find their way late at night, with a bad transport system. It was midnight almost and they had to find their own way to town a journey of about 1 1/2 hours, and perhaps dangerous to young female students amongst them, and there were some near misses, and nearly sexually assaulted. The employees told me the next day that the 'male friend ' thought the whole thing was amusing. Telling them 'your boss is in trouble now...he's in jail'...and him and Rosetta laughing at the great joke. So this was another irrational 'High' in a bi-polar way, that again I only understood in retrospect.. Considering that I was the source of income, and would now hesitate to visit the kids, during the week, it was strange behaviour; There doesn't need to be a reason for this type of behaviour, as it is symptomatic. Where did they get the car keys? I must have put them down, when I was arrested, as the house doors were not locked....I should have paid more attention to Rosetta and her friend's remarks about my car. There apparently was the usual jealousy about the car, with some of her friends, so common in Australia, as her friends would never have been able to afford such a vehicle ,($7-$8k in 1972)...particularly this new male friend she had. I think that probably the 'male friend' involved here belonged to the same group down the street, 'Moira and Colin's ', where the wife had a steady boyfriend, George the Yugoslavian, and the husband had parties and hung out with the single guys, although he was new on the scene..Rosetta and Moira were good friends and I noticed that Moira was repeating some of the delusions that Rosetta was uttering, and other completely untrue stuff, except for the fact she couldn't get back with Ross as she had had two more children and that was the amount he wanted. Although her estranged husband and roommate, Colin, knew the that they were mostly delusional stories and conclusions. It was not my business what kind of relationship she had with him anyway. However she must have known him quite well for him to cooperate in the hi-jacking of the car and my jailing. The Police did say that it was coming undone, which indicated to me they didn't think it was a legitimate charge. When I arrived home at my apartment, the manager said 'Oh a male and female came here in a high state of excitement, they were driving a big posh car and it looked like yours. They wanted access to your apartment and I said why, and they said you were in jail and wanted to commit suicide and that your gun was in the flat......that was their excuse anyway. I called the police and they said they cannot just go into anyone's flat so I went up with them and brought the rifle down here to the office. So here it is..", a .222.BSA.....................Such symptomatic manic behaviour!!!) She was paranoid if I moved somewhere and she didn't have an alternative like Ross or somebody else, or anybody else, for example, perhaps back to America, neither would her friends, who were not repaying regular loans, that she gave them, and had a lot of influence on her...I also felt that she was due some share in my new found 'wealth' so to speak, as we had done without for so long during our lives. So I would not have interfered with that anyway, but her paranoia would not accept that no doubt. For it would be too hard to go back to just making ends meet so to speak; Attachment to ample funds is always very strong, as it feeds into the need for security and the need for linear thinking. So there was nothing personal involved any provider would do. Her friend Carole and her friends over on the house on the small farm were major recipients but they belonged to the same group that her boyfriend Ross belonged to, like crazy English Patricia from the 'sewing circle'..........
She was very young at thirty years of age, very pretty, so, not overweight and could have any man she wanted but I feel she was full of fear exaggerated by her disease, and the future progress and prognosis of it,..and felt nobody would take a permanent interest because of the children..
I also believe something else happened or didn't happen, (Ross? and the two extra kids, may have been a realisation?),that I don't know about in her life at that time...Another thing she used to mention increasingly, is that she was going to lose the children. Also the death of Celia probably still preyed on her mind, (guilt?). I don't know where she thought she was going to be, unless she thought that her mental condition would cause her to be hospitalised, like her relatives. She may have had indications in her own mind with regard to her condition, which she recognised, and caused her to fear the future. As there were enough people in her family to base this fear on, and I don't know at what ages they progressed to different levels, such as catatonia and early onset dementia, ( like our daughter did later on).
The important point to remember here is that I had not been living at Rosetta's place for well over a year or longer and we were separated, both 1971 and 1972. This was an established fact! Known to all! So I was not privy to all that was happening.
SUICIDE.
Eventually, much later, during a depressed "episode," she, tragically, succeeded in an "attempt" on her own life, on the same day of the month that Celia died.(Her medication may have had some influence on this as well). I don't know whether this was a coincidence or not. If it wasn't for Karma and good luck the entire family would have died as well. For the house was so small and interconnected there was no way gas could be held to one or two rooms. Especially that carbon-monoxide can be fatal at very low doses even. During the night the older children were woken up and realised the house was full of gas, so they, luckily, turned off the stove in the kitchen, not realising their mother was in the next room. It seemed she had been sick in the kitchen and then moved on to the couch, in the lounge room. I was asleep in one of the backrooms with the baby, which was unusual. For I usually drank myself to sleep on the couch-a-bed, in the lounge room, not even bothering to pull it down, if I was too drunk to drive, and on awakening drove to town; Usually though that would be very early the next morning, after I had slept off the drunk. However this particular evening Rosetta said she would stay in the lounge room, to watch TV or something, and that she would sleep on the couch-a-bed, and I was too drunk to question it. I noticed that she had a bottle of white wine on the floor by the couch. It was a good job I wasn't smoking a cigar or something. I slept with Brigid, and I was too drunk to speculate, having drank a few beers and quite a lot of scotch, plus my alcohol capacity was limited before I just fell asleep, or passed-out; This was why in some places I was known as 'sleepy'.
I awoke early in the morning, with a headache, to the sound of one of the kids crying, and I rushed through to the lounge room. The house still smelled of gas, so I opened all the windows and doors. Rosetta was still on the settee, so I thought she must be in a coma or something. Siobhan was actually sitting on top of her and moving about. The budgie was dead in his cage, poor innocent little thing, so the girls took him away and buried him in the bush. I called the ambulance and they took half an hour or so to come. They didn't even bring in a stretcher, I had to hold her shoulders and the attendant her feet. I realised now that she was dead, for she had wet herself and the body was obviously deceased. I was in a state of shock, as I carried her to the ambulance. In retrospect I think the attendants maybe were doing me a favour, making me realise she was dead. The children were standing there crying except for Stella, who was at her friend Helen's place.
Her friend Myra said that she thought that she didn't mean to do it, so obviously it was a karmic event. However Myra also repeated, and interpreted, a lot of Rosetta delusions, false expectations, and fantasies, as well, as she no doubt did not know the real mental situation; How could she at such a casual level? One thing that did ring true though was Rosetta's fear of the future, which she had impressed on Myra's mind. Again not about me 'personally', but about being in unhappy circumstances and trapped. I never argued with or disagreed with Myra as I knew there was no point and there would be new stories all the time, and she wasn't slow about repeating them. I really did not know her state of mind either, ,as she believed a constructed fantasy.
There was a police and coroner's enquiry and the result was that she 'succeeded in an attempt on her own life'. The police also investigated her medical and doctors records..Apparently she turned the oven on in the kitchen and then became sick and vomited on the floor before moving into the lounge room and lying on the couch. Also before becoming sick she had absorbed enough gas into her blood to cause fatal poisoning. There was no suicide note and she wasn't wearing any jewelry, of any kind. Who knows why mentally ill people do what they do? It was perhaps an act in a time of deep uni or bi-polar depression. I had caught her with a rifle in her mouth much earlier, about a year previously, but she said it was joke, ---in retrospect perhaps not...She talked of suicide now and again ever since I had met her, and particularly in 1965,after watching Jeddah,where the main character suicides, and she said people like her suicide,but I didn’t take it seriously, as nothing ever happened that I noticed except for the rifle. Of course her uncle Jack was mentally ill and he had suicided....However this event came right out of the blue as nothing had changed in the way the family was living, for over a year or so.
I now had to return to the family full-time, or they would all go into care, and me an incompetent drunk. It seems that on the whole my first thirty years of life had not been a raging success. It is a wonder the social services didn’t come into me, being an absentee and a drunk to boot...they were slack also I suppose. Now it is in The ‘Lord's’ hands. The next thing was the funeral, which was doubly sad for little Celia's white coffin was visible in the grave. There was a post-wake at the house and many people got drunk, including myself, and all my friends, including people like Sean Cox and others.*********************************************
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(After Rosetta's death,Her ''male friend ' or whatever,from the 'car event' also turned up before the funeral and brought 'red roses' for the coffin or grave; I never did get to know his name or know where he came from; perhaps from her group of friends; Except , I had seen him up at her house prior to the 'car event', on a couple of occasions)...
I discovered later that -Rosetta had torn up most of the photographs she could get her hands on. I remember her saying that the family didn't like photos of such sad people and she wanted none of Uncle Jack, as he died so sadly by suicide. I think she was doing the same thing for her own children by destroying all photos of herself; She didn't want them to have the painful memories and mourn forever. And this was obviously her 'dying wish' gift, for her children; to prevent years of extended pain and sorrow. In fact it was the only thing she could do for the children and just proved that she loved them. As she knew the pain and suffering of grief that her family went through over Uncle Jack and her other ill relatives. She named our first daughter after him and that was the only reference to Jack. ( Unfortunately this last death wish and gift was destroyed by my sister some years later, when in direct opposition to Rose's death wish she gave the kids photos). She never liked being in a photo anyway and always put her head down..My mother and Joannie removed sixty bags of garbage from the house, which I took to the dump, old clothes and all kinds of rubbish. We had the pest control come to eliminate the cockroaches, but they didn't succeed so didn't charge us. If you pulled clothes out of a cupboard, always un-ironed, cockroaches would fall out too. If you sprayed, they covered the walls and the ceilings.( I later brought in pest control and after two attempts they failed and so didn't charge me). It was an amazing sight to see. Even behind the gas stove there was a mice nest, which I had never noticed on my visits. ( No cooking just take aways, and the Police found the nest during their examinations). Jean had offered to come and help in the initial situation, and we were thankful for that or they would all be in care. My sister offered to take only the three largest which was a non event. The washing machine was an automatic and covered in baby shit, for the nappies were just thrown in without being rinsed or cleaned. The big above ground swimming pool was polluted from all the kids in the street using it, and there were kittens thrown in there, and drowned. And there were cases of pop, which also the street seemed to use. The freezer plan was full of meat, of course and so was the fridge, but mostly with junk. I was giving Rose about $100 per week in those days 1970s,dollars, equivalent to about double the working wage. I also paid the rent and bills, and anything else that was needed. I was giving a lot of money, all she needed to do was ask,but again the street, were getting a lot of the it. I also bought anything required for the house, like a new fence, new TV and Stereo, swimming pool, swing sets, freezer and freezer plan, and furniture and anything she wanted. She didn't want much new furniture though. As I now had an operation running in two countries and I was making money.
Unfortunately I wasn't there at home, and probably would have been no help either. The kid's hair was infested with lice, even the youngest: Plus Brian's arms were covered in impetigo, which apparently wasn't being treated. They didn't have toothbrushes and their teeth were in a terrible state, and they were really just looking after themselves. Eating,mainly take away and fish and chips and pop. The next to youngest at 2 was fed a bottle full of pop, and the baby potato chips and stuff. They also had plenty of money to buy school lunch everyday. Rosetta never took them to the dentist for she wouldn't go herself. Her teeth were rotten in her mouth to the point of being black and soft stumps, in some cases. She was totally paranoid about dentists, which of course was due to her illness, and I could never convince her to go. She often said she would wait and then go to the dentist and get gas and have them all out. She also believed that she was suffering from cancer, or so she told her friends, more delusions, poor girl. The surviving twin didn't own a dress, didn't like clothes, and spent most of her time in the yard with the dogs. So much so that she couldn't speak very well, but could say only 'here ya', which is what she was told when given a bottle of drink. She could do a great imitation of a dog bark though.
Rosetta always felt her parents didn't love her, and they never did visit in Australia. Though they continually said they would come by ship, the next year, for one or the other was afraid of flying. Even her brother, Thomas, who was some kind of Christian Worker, never visited when he was in Singapore and then New Zealand. Unfortunately everyone should have been told about the illness before the marriage, and all this stuff and more to come would have been avoided. Being out of sight in Australia was no substitute, for there was definitely a gene running though her family. For her paternal grandmother, of the same name, was eventually put away after going mad. I still recall her standing stony faced in the shop not communicating with anybody, I now realise she was catatonic. At the time, I thought she didn't like me because I was a Catholic!! She lived at home until then so Rosetta's parents would be very familiar with the progress of the condition, and therefore what would also happen to Rosetta. Then there was the Uncle Jack who also had mental problems killed himself! I also wondered if there hadn't been some other stuff in her childhood as well.It seemed they declined into early onset dementia type conditions and catatonia before having to be institutionalised and Rosetta would have observed this as I noticed with her grandma.
(Many years before in 1966,after watching a movie about a suicide, Jeddah, Rosetta told me 'people like her' end up doing that. I didn't take much notice at the time for it seemed a weird thing to say. What did she mean people like her? Suicide seemed to be a word she used a lot from her uncle onwards, I never took much notice of it, as I was not aware of her diagnosis.)
I would take some time to get over this shock, so of course would the children, if that is possible to do. I don't believe that they ever will get over it completely. So there was a lot of confusion and grief to work through, for all of us, and nobody had any counseling. This of course created time bombs waiting to explode in the future, which they surely did. Australia in those days had no socialised medicine and only rudimentary social services.
In retrospect, I wondered why there was not intervention of any kind. Perhaps because in those days much wasn't known about mental illness, or there were no budgets for social workers. I know that in Australia until 1973/4, there was no National Health Service, you had to pay for doctors and hospitals. I was many thousands of dollar in debt and tried to pay it off, every now and then.
Also we put our name on the social housing list when we first came to Australia but our number still never came up five or six years later, even with all the kids, and me visiting the offices. It was the same in London no intervention and a ten or fifteen year wait for a council house. Different days and different attitudes, I suppose.
Rosetta did tell me, on more than one occasion, that she would like my ‘lifestyle’, and would like to live like I did. And was jealous of the freedom associated with it, as she perceived it, not actually me per se. Although I have no doubt she loved the children she told me that she felt tied down by them---overwhelmed I suppose..I asked her one time why she had so many children and she said ‘I like the rest in the hospital’. Which is a non answer but I think personally she must have been addicted to pregnancy, due to the feelings and some mental balance it brought; Especially to people suffering from chemical imbalances in the brain. And there was always the paranoia about taking pills, which is quite common in people suffering from paranoid conditions..The problem is that she used to not tell the truth, and there was apparently some pathology connected with that as well. Also it may have been a desire to be taken into a 'hospital' like she was at fifteen for a recovery period, from her mental problems. Another problem that I didn't seem to be able to cure was the verbal abuse and swearing she got from some of the children; it was an unsolvable mess.
I make no excuses for myself.....I couldn’t handle it, it was overwhelming and as my mother said....’You ran away from madness’, as she apparently did with no forwarding address.
(Years later when my daughter was diagnosed as a manic-depressive, paranoid schizophrenic, I recognised many of the same behaviour and symptoms, but at this time I was in ignorance of course. I also found out much later in life, from professionals, that most ordinary people cannot live with people who have this mental condition. Which was proved when my daughter was diagnosed and none of her sisters could live with her, and in fact organised for her to stay at Institutions or half way houses run by the health system. This of course validated the fact that their mother Rosetta was also mentally ill, which they had never really believed as they had no point of reference, as neither did I. Also it explained how my sister, my mother and even myself could not handle the situation, as even they themselves could not).
To put it succinctly neither of us could cope from the start, and we still couldn’t cope at the end. We were never ‘in love’, or anything like it, at best we were fellow travelers, and we both knew that, from before we 'had to get married'.
We had broken up before the first pregnancy became known to me, so there were no strong personal attachments, except for the children. –It was all a sham..We were essentially thrown together, as teenagers and abandoned, with predictable results;We were set up for failure!
Rosetta was mentally ill, and had some intellectual problem', and I was young, naive and drank, self medication no doubt, from the circumstances overwhelming me. I also think we suffered from a lack of affection in our childhood, for whatever reason, and this carried on through our lives, and tended to be emotionally crippling. Everything was a mystery and I was not well prepared...And we both ran away really....for in the end Rhi left also...the children were apparently not enough to prevent her episodes, overwhelming her........and in the end she owned the karmic action..
I think that ROSETTA just wanted to be free in any way she could...free from her illness, free from the fact she wasn't coping very well, free from the fearful future, that she knew was coming.Our daughter who inherited the illness had early onset dementia and was institutionalised like her grandmother and Aunt were...So Rhi Rosetta knew what was coming in a few years.
Even the professionals have difficulty in analysis and predicting behaviour of the mentally ill, and add in some intellectual problems, and the probability/possibility of post-partems exacerbating the already existing condition, from time to time. So all that I have written is probably as confusing to the reader as it is to me, but at the time I didn't fully understand; Also many medications are not effective.
Also more than 10%-15% of people suffering from this condition do successfully commit suicide...perhaps with no real reason, except for the fact that they are mentally ill. That probably is the only explanation!
The tragedy here was also silence and secrecy...1.As Rosetta's grandmother, had a similar illness and used to get catatonic and was institutionalised..I believe there were earlier people as well.
2.Uncle Jack was also mentally ill and committed suicide in the end, plus there was another female relative aunt,at the same generational level who was also ill. Rhi had no photos of Jack, or any of the sick relatives, as they didn't want to mourn forever apparently and she said they didn't want photos, of people that had died in those circumstances.
3. Rosetta and her family tried to hide her illness from everybody,and its name or diagnosis was never spoken. There were cases of obvious early onset dementia as well perhaps she knew about that and that was the reason she always used to say that she was going to lose the children; Fearing that would happen to her as it happened to our daughter many years later.
4. T. M, mine and Rosetta's daughter , MICHELLE, was diagnosed with manic depression paranoid schizophrenia by Dr Paul at Surrey Memorial -General. BC. (this was in the late 1980s or early 1990s). If we had known about Rosetta we could have got treatment to her before her first brain damaging episodes. So here we have four generations, that we know of, indicating a genetic component that is pretty strong. Plus no doubt it goes back further than that. So really having to wait until the fourth generation to find out the diagnosis is reprehensible and completely irresponsible, on behalf of her parents.Also it seems that around 40, 50 years of age they are in need of institutionalised care due to the early onset dementia. Rosetta would have seen that , in her family, and knew that would be her fate and didn't want to face it, also knowing that a daughter already had the disease...probably added to the depression.
A strange note though is that SIOBHAN had a baby girl born on the exact date that her sister died.......
So far in my early life all the pain and suffering and attacks did not compare with walking around with a dead nine month old child...It was a disaster coming back essentially...( I later got into philosophy and understood this situation better).
Below are some urls to depression and bi-polar disorders. I am not a professional but it seemed to me that Rosetta was depressed most of the time but used to have higher, happy, excited times as well..She was also quite anxious and paranoid from time to time...and out of touch with reality, and held a tenuous hold on truth and facts. She had extreme difficulty in coping, functioning, organising and keeping things clean, being intellectually limited somewhat only added to the mix. She did not seem as bad as our schizophrenic daughter but there were many similarities that I later observed. I never saw here catatonic like our daughter or her grandmother either..but I have seen her not get dressed and stay in her gown for a whole day in one chair. Going on and off her meds may have been a problem as well, but I was in the dark about everything; It is a pity that her parents or she didn't make me privy to her full diagnosis; Except that she had a nervous breakdown due to depression That way I could have monitored medications and visits to treatments, and been more understanding...(It seemed to me that she suffered from bi-polar and borderline schizoid condition of some kind, according to the medications anyway).I have written this after wards but when i was in it I did not understand as I had not been told.
Some interesting urls on depression.
http://www.understand-schizophrenia.com/borderline-schizophrenia.html
http://www.medhelp.org/posts/Bipolar-Disorder/BP--Sexual-Promiscuity/show/706657
http://www.webmd.com/bipolar-disorder/guide/bipolar-disorder-symptoms-types
http://www.webmd.com/bipolar-disorder/guide/bipolar-disorder-symptoms-types
Parents who lose a baby during its first year of life are much more likely to die early, new research suggests.
While
it is commonly believed that people can die of a 'broken heart' when
losing a partner, little research has been done on the risks to bereaved
parents.
Now a new
study published in the journal BMJ Supportive and Palliative Care has
found that bereaved parents are between two and four times more likely
to die early or become widowed in the first 10 years after losing a
child compared with those who are not bereaved.
This applied to parents who suffered a stillbirth, or whose baby died in the first year of life.
The authors, from the University of
York and the University of Stirling, said the increased risk of death
among bereaved parents was of 'major concern'.
Larger-scale studies are needed to identify the causes of death and whether anything can be done to help parents, they said.
'For example, bereaved parents may be more likely to have committed suicide than matched non-bereaved comparisons,' they said.
The stress of bereavement may also have significant effects on the body, such as suppressing the immune system and increasing the risk of disease.
'Bereaved parents may also be more likely to use maladaptive coping strategies such as alcohol misuse.
'This
has been reported by parents following stillbirth and infant death and
may in turn lead to higher incidence of alcohol-related illness or
accidental death.
'It is imperative that cause of death be further investigated in order to establish the factors leading to increased mortality in bereaved parents.'
Rosetta chose the same day of the month to commit suicide as the day our daughter died..........which may or may not be just a coincidence...As she probably had some feelings of guilt from not calling the doctor out on the day Celia died.
Notes,*1, Luke . A Friend.
(I did find out where they had moved to eventually when Phil's father, Luke Hogan, came out to Australia. As he was a friend of mine and we drank together on Saturdays in the back bar of the Astra Hotel. A year or so later I sometimes, would take Jean, (when i first met Jean we talked of reincarnation and she told me the world was a dream----a dream of God.. She read all the Edgar Cayce books when we moved to Canada....I have a collection of them as well...she told me only take notice of what he actually says, not interpretations by authors.). along as well. I had found out where they were initially but I didn't know their final address at the unit/apt in Bondi.
I really liked Luke a lot and helped him out gladly,financially, in the early 1970s,71 or 72,when I was doing well one time, as he had been generous to me in the UK, when Mike O'MALLEY and I arrived, from the USA. (He dropped by the house, in Merseyside, a few times and gave us money to have a beer, as we hadn't started work-we returned to Australia after a few weeks). I also hired two of his, youngest daughters as secretaries in my two Sydney offices, when I expanded,from one office in Sydney to three and one other in Brisbane. I needed receptionists to help the offices functions properly, and mentioned the fact to Luke. He said his youngest daughter Norma was working for only 35 dollars a week and my girls were paid 50 or 60 dollars, so it benefited both of us. So one was in my office and the older, Marie, was in the old ABC building downtown, with the new sales manager I had appointed there...Hank; Unfortunately this job didn't work out for whatever reason.
I don't think the move to Australia was a good one for Luke as he didn't have the same contacts or opportunities he had in Liverpool, but he was very attached to Phil, the grandchild, and another on the way.
I felt sorry for him and his wife Martha..... in later life when my sister would not let him see his grandchildren and even later on when he found out he had cancer.,.(my mother also deprived my grandmother of her grandchildren as well, it seems to be a neurotic act, genetically running through generations in the family, and the children are the losers, and to this very day I have never forgotten it),(1983 onwards). It also happened to me as a grandfather, as a delayed knock on affect of interference in my family. I didn't get into the whys and wherefores, and faults and stuff, but I gave him updated photographs and when he died he left me his station wagon as a return favour, for my earlier favour to him in the early 1970s, and my sister had kept the money he gave her as repayment to me, as she needed it and I sent his watch out with Patricia to give to her cousin 'Dominic' the future 'movie and TV, star'. It is always the kids that miss out in these situations! And I had gone through it. I never did get the money back or the above ground swimming pool her husband Phil stole,,,(Also as my paternal grandparents had been banned, I could relate to the situation from the perspective of a child, even so many years later).
I didn't know he had left me the old station wagon until after his death when Phil gave it to me. Old Luke tricking me so I couldn't say no!! I was grateful,at the time as it came in very useful, as I was renting cars, even though I had to pay 'under the table' to get it certified for insurance and registration, as it was in need of repairs, and a new battery, to make it roadworthy.
I eventually passed it to my son, who more or less gave it away. It ended up going to a son-in-law of Luke's, so it returned to Luke's family. I knew at the time that Luke didn't have any money, and hadn't had any for years, as he had never made a visit back home to Norway before he died; and he mentioned that to me; So I forgave any debts he owed me, as he could not have paid the 'value' amount at that time anyway; It had run on for more than ten years already.
I don't know why his family in Australia or Norway didn't advance him his fare while he was still well? He told me that he had asked them but nothing eventuated, up to that time; More details I will keep to myself.
After Luke died, Phil took his ashes back to Norway and buried them near the family and overlooking a fjord. The family apparently could contribute to this act, at that time. Pity they couldn't have done that whilst he was alive.
Years later I put Phil's children,(J) in touch with him in New Zealand after they had lost contact for many years, I did this at the request of one of the children and and also Phil's youngest sister...Norma..I also made sure my sister was aware of it, and I told J I could not do anything unless Maureen was OK with it.
Phil and my sister divorced and both remarried. Phil later split up with his second wife Bev, in New Zealand came back to Australia, around 2000 or so, and literally drank himself to death in a tourist park. Another sad commentary on alcoholism, ( he drank all his life that I knew him),and I am glad I escaped that fate by becoming teetotal, (in 1985). His son Luke traveled a lot and worked in Ireland, and was very close to his mother Bev.............
To summarise Rosetta's suicide, here are the reason I think it happened...
1. She was mentally ill and there was a percentage chance of it happening, as she couldn't cope...10% is the usual published figure;This is probably the real reason for the action...She was on chlorpromazine at one point, and I didn't know what it was, as she said it was headache medication.
2. She was fearful of a future that she had seen in her relatives.( early onset dementia and catatonia) ..and consequently losing the children,. through Social Services intervention.
3. After we finally separated for the second time,(first time she instigated when I went to Canada and the second time I did, when I returned from America), she wanted to get back with her old boyfriend Ross, but couldn't, as she had two more children and he would not accept a permanent relationship or marriage now. He had told her he wanted two children apparently,so she had used up the numbers,( Or so I was told anyway).I think that was about as personal as she was with me, and she was looking for somebody-anybody and she had told her friend Moira all this, although Moira didn't know she was delusional and was pathological with not telling the truth.
I think this failure to get back with Ross caused her to think she was in a bad position, and she thought nobody would want her permanently as she had too many children. I believe this was likely the 'tipping point' in her mind, and added to her other overwhelming problems.
4. Add all these things together with the fact she believed her own parents never loved her, and you have the recipe for despair and that was what happened, she despaired of her life and expected future...and it unbalanced her mind....resulting in a successful attempt at suicide. As I mentioned ATTACHMENT DISORDER WAS INTERGENERATIONAL in her own mind and in the children's as well.....
A final thought; on the bigger girls reaction and behaviour.
As Rosetta was deluded she may have not admitted to them that we had separated finally again and may have felt embarrassed about it. Or may be she was delusional about the whole situation and did not admit the obvious facts. I worked mostly double shifts all my life so she may have just told them he doesn't come home as he is working, which is what she may have also told Myra,.although Myra had been programmed with some pretty delusional stuff. And fobbed off the girlfriends as employees of mine, as some were. So her mind could manufacture any delusion as she was ill...and the girls wouldn't know that, really. How she explained away the three big girls visits to my apartment downtown to visit and use the pool, I don't know. Probably told them it was just for business or traveling or something. And where did the 'ex boyfriend' Ross fit in as he apparently was visiting as well? However it is possible the perception of the older girls was distorted into some fantasmagorical 'unreality'.
So this left everything to fall on to me and my latest and last girlfriend when she committed suicide and left them,otherwise they would have all been split up by authorities and dispersed.
They
had to blame somebody and unfortunately blamed the wrong people....and
caused themselves, their siblings and everybody else a lot of misery...I never did figure out why Myra bought into her delusions though and then repeated them to others....I'm surprised she could not see that Rosetta was ill. May be she had some problems of her own she identified with. Her husband Colin, seemed to understand though and he was still at home with his single friends and Myra was going out with her Jugoslav boyfriend George. It was a whole confusing situation and Rosetta was right in there mixing with them, as these were her friends. This is the only way that I can explain the big girls seeming refusal to face the facts and the truth of the situation----they may have also been programmed, and they were too young to understand adult situations. I know this sound fantastic but I cannot see any other sane reason for their behaviour. Even when I came home I would fall asleep drunk on the couch a bed, in the lounge room, so that needed no explanation, as I was always up, tidied up, and having breakfast by the time the family got up.
In the end result insanity cannot be explained rationally...no matter how much I try. The children were the ultimate losers in the whole debacle...