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MORE TRIPS BACK AND FORTH TO NORTH AMERICA.....

Chapter Ten...BRISBANE.Jean's sacrifice, affection comes to the family, and Joan saves the entire family from adoptions, foster care and a dangerous life----------

My girlfriend Jean, came to help me with the kids, initially on a temporary basis, otherwise they would all have to go into care. ( It turned out that She was the Hispanic looking girl that I had talked about in the schoolyard so many years ago in 1953,the year that she was born, so there was some tremendous karma at work here. I must have conscious at some level of her entry into this plane, as it was the summer of 1953 in the Sacred Heart schoolyard).

(The shock of them having no toothbrushes or not using them and all having green or rotten teeth, and other examples of neglect such as Heldi-Sue whose teeth were mostly black stumps from drinking only pop, or the next youngest not being able to speak and having only 2 or 3 items of clothes. Most clothes were stuffed in a cupboard not ironed and full of cockroaches.It was a nightmare straight from a lunatic asylum. They were covered in head lice and Brian's arms were covered in impetigo, and Helga's lazy eye was left untreated as all appointments were not kept.Hardly any food was cooked as fish and chips and spring rolls were ordered up from the shops and pies and sunny boys were bought for school lunches. There was even a mouse nest at the back of the stove...!!!!!!!!!!!!!This was discovered when the police were doing their investigation, and even I was surprised).

Also Jean bought Brigid Patricia her first toy a beanie frog and she had no personal towel or baby gear neither did Siobhan and she had no shoes ...Not due to lack of money as i was giving Rhi 100 dollars per week, two weeks pay in those days, and paying the bills as I mentioned before...Heidi-Sue on the other hand had all kinds of dresses and clothes. So there was no problem, in getting to the stores in taxis and shops to buy these..!!!!

(My sister Maureen.Henrietta said Philip had kindly offered to let her take only the three oldest girls, but that wouldn't have helped if the rest went into care, as I would not have been allowed to keep them anyway, due to my job and alcoholic police record. Never mind that I was running a job that required long hours. This was a 'non offer' from my sister, and her husband of course, for he knew that I would refuse the offer, and they couldn't handle the kids when they stayed with them anyway; As they were out of control and swore a lot. I confirmed this 'offer' on just the three oldest girls, with Philip quite some time later.Problem was M.Henrietta lied to the kids and told them she offered to take them all and that I refused to allow it..This of course undermined Jean right from the beginning. Whatever social services there were had not got involved so far but that would have triggered them no doubt. However they did call me some months later at the office and that was it; Probably to get me off the books).

Jean was the last girlfriend, and I hadn't been going out with her for that long, as she had not been in the country that long even, and she got the booby prize so to speak. I wasn't sure where it would go from there, but I wasn't in a thinking state really. Jean, at one time was going to quit, as it was obviously so overwhelming, which upset me no end, and she did ask where my family was!!!!!and why she as a 19 year old was left with all these kids.

My family, --sister and mother had left, more than a year earlier,after staying for some months, each,without leaving a forwarding address,but my mother did come for a month to help, and that was most welcome,(she did visit the year or so before on one occasion only; I think it was at Christmas time). It is a wonder they didn't notice that there was a problem with Rhi and the kids, instead of just leaving. I really couldn't blame them as I obviously couldn't handle, or understand the situation myself.

That was the total involvement from both sides of the total family, hers and mine, except her mother sent a letter of condolence and that was it; No interest in the grandchildren or anything..I got a lady, from down the street to come and talk to Annabelle, and she agreed to stay help a little longer. I don't know what would have happened if she had gone. Well I do know what would have happened, they would have all been in care, adopted out and not know each other. Also Jean became attached to the youngest baby Brigid Patricia and she became 'her baby'.

The kids asked what to call her as they had been calling her Jean...but Stella asked could she call her Mum,two months after,...So I said yes if that is what you want....as Jean had decided to stay and take over the family.

Otherwise they would all have been split up put in homes or adopted and never know each other.

I really was still naïve and drinking didn't help, I really was just reacting all the time, not planning. I suppose they would all have to go into care somewhere, for I was incapable of handling such a situation, and my alcoholic record would no doubt not help. In the end Jean was like an angel sent from heaven to rescue this family. My mother also helped for a month, which helped bridge the gap, for which I was most grateful. It was very difficult cleaning them up and they were all out of control. However some semblance of order was established but the environment had to be changed, for this Housing Commission Estate was a terrible place. It was a clearing, house for the poor and lower income groups, with all the attendant problems. It was a giant warehouse, for humans.

After staying in Sydney for several months I decided to move the entire family to Queensland. This would give us all a fresh outlook and a new start. So I traded down my luxury sedan and bought a station wagon , hired a rent-a-truck and away we trekked. Before leaving I build a bonfire of the settees and some other furniture, and lit it in the backyard.I arranged for Philip to dismantle the big, 'Top of the Line',Clarks above ground pool, deduct the cost of dismantling, take a sales commission and sell it, but no money eventuated, apparently he gave it to a friend who didn't pay for it?

In Brisbane I had an office downtown, Perry House, and I rented a large house in the garden suburb of Bardon, Outlook Crescent. The house had four bedrooms up and one down. It also had landscaped gardens with all kind of plants. We had papaya, banana and all kind of tropical growth. The giant fruit bats used to raid our fruit,papyas,from time to time. My business was doing better so we had no money worries. I was a little depressed after the events in Sydney so I was drinking a bit, but not as bad as I used to. I had a course of valium but I didn't like it, for it made me sleepy, so I stopped taking it.

My girlfriend had a good influence on me and everything seemed to be running smoothly; Although I was still drinking, especially on the weekends. I also got into the Ouija board and seances, but at least I was now thinking of other realities.

(My eldest daughter revealed her thoughts here again by one saying," Mum is so pretty it is not fair"....Mum is Jean of course.She also wanted similar skirts etc..but I had no way of knowing at this time the ramifications of all this). When Jean was pregnant the daughter was sticking a pillow up her jumper...So the original statement that she made with regards to being the lady of the house led into her having a feeling of being usurped. The mind of a child at eleven years old could not possible realise it was an impossible situation for her, to be the 'lady of the house'.

Over the next year I also did a lot of reading, Colin Wilson and the like, as well as Teillard de Chardin. I even read Edgar Rice Burroughs for light diversion. I also was coming across the Jewish Kabbalah in my readings and I started to get an interest in this. Perhaps because I had some Jewish Heritage. I didn't know about Mystic or Theosophical Bookstores at the time, so I was looking in all the wrong places. Occasionally we would order books from our local bookstore, or rather Annabelle would but that didn't lead me to know which books to order. The lady who owned the bookstore was Jewish and she told me that there were Kabbalistic groups in Brisbane but she didn't know how I could get in contact with them.

(Many years later I did know someone who was in the know, Manuel from Manuel's Bookstore, but I was then into something else and it was no longer necessary.) It would take another eleven years yet, for me to stop drinking and become spiritually inclined. It is strange how the spiritual kept presenting itself all my life but I didn't take the hint. I suppose I was still thinking that I had a career and other materialistic aims to pursue.

Eventually Jean and I decided to get legally married, we had already been engaged. The kids all seemed to be very happy about this, and the idea of having a Mum again. So we started to inquire about dates. The Spirit from the seances told me to set the date to the 27th of the month. I went ahead and booked the registry office for that day and ordered a suit. I believe it was a Monday, but when I told Joan she said to change it, for, it was given by a spirit. I tried to change it but it was the only day available for months, so we had to settle for it. I later realised the significance of 27 being a nine, the eternal number. We had the wedding at the Registry Office in the Brisbane Treasury Building, a very nice Italian Style Heritage Building, now a large Casino. We self catered at our home and had a very nice reception in our own house and gardens, and all the children and my mother were there.It was a great time and one of my ex--girlfriends and other friends from the business were there...

The Boys.

The eldest boy Daniel had a few problems with learning disabilities or dyslexia or some kind of impediment. Annabelle had to re mother him, take him for special class lessons etc, in order to somewhat turn him around as he had been severely neglected...In the end he spent more time with her than his biological mentally ill mother, who could not cope. As with the others without Jean their futures would have been dangerous and bleak.but she trained them well on working saving money and setting themselves up for their lives. The second boy was also in special classes at school and she helped as much as she could; As she did with Heldi-Sue and Siobhan as also.

FAMILY EXPANSION.

Later, Jean had a big job on, for we were expecting twins of our own. She didn't have the easiest time for she suffered with edema. Anyway the great day arrived and Joan was admitted to Brisbane hospital, maternity section. Her labour was long and hard, and she required blood transfusions. She eventually gave birth to a boy and a girl, fraternal twins, Nicole and Anthony. So now she has three children in nappies at the same time.

Of course I turned up at the hospital with a mixed bunch for a visit. There were Maoris playing guitars and singing; an Englishman in a straw hat with flowers and artificial fruit on it, a couple of Irishman and myself of course and all had just come from the pub. The nurses found it all highly amusing but my wife and the head nurse did not, so we were turfed out. I came back sober on the next visit and by myself. So now we had ten kids to look after, what a job!

(I brought Jean's mum, out for a visit, which I luckily could, afford at the time, for there were no cheap tickets in those days, everything was scheduled fares, and everything was going along fine. It still took most of my cheque account though. I really seemed to get on with her and we took her out everywhere. I liked her and considered myself lucky that she liked me, and I intended to visit her in England.

The family seemed to be cohesive and Brigid, who was very close to Jean, was delighted with the twins arrival, not jealous at all. During this period the family was getting on fine and the kids were happy in their new schools.

In July of 1974 I decided to go on a business trip to Chicago,visit my sister Mary in Toronto plus visit Mike in Miami. I also would, take a side trip, and visit Annabelle's mum in Southampton, and my brother Johnnie and Alice and Gregg and family, up in the North of England. The visits went very well but whilst I was in a club in Florida, I decided that I definitely wanted to come back to North America. I don't know why, it was just an impulse and may be solidified a desire. Also since before moving to Brisbane I thought about emigrating to Canada, probably because I had been there before and my sister Therese, lived there. Also it was not that far away from Florida, where I still had friends and contacts. I still had the hope of moving back to Florida some day.

So when I arrived back in Australia I was full of ideas about moving. I took some people on the road to make some more money and we worked hard at it. One day I went into a little shop in Mackay, North Queensland,and I noticed a little bone carving of some kind. I was drawn to it and asked the lady what it was. She said it was from Bali and was a carving of Sri, the Earth Goddess, who looks after the plants and crops and things. I bought it for a good luck charm for my wife and still have it today. I later found out that Sri is actually Lakshmi, or the Divine Energy of Creation, but I knew nothing of Hindu culture at the time. We did have a lot of good luck after this though.

I had a couple of near misses in car accidents. Once we ended upside down in a creek after going off the road, near Kingaroy and another time we ran into a ravine near Mt.Isa, both miraculous escapes and no injuries. During these dangerous events a strange calm always came over me and there never was any fear. In the Kingaroy accident I just earmarked the book that I was reading 'The Source' and jammed it over the windscreen so I could retrieve it later at the same page..Bernie who was driving found it quite amusing...

However we did make a lot of money, and even won contests and everything. My organisation became the top performer in the Pacific Division. We went ahead with our emigration applications, and contacted our office in Canada.

In Canada, Cyril Collier ran the Caxton Book Company. He had been a Vice President, with Grolier I believe. Also I was known to some of his staff, from my days in Montreal. None of the kid's problems had been diagnosed, or manifested at this time so we had no trouble with the medical. In fact because there were so many we could go to our own doctor and not travel to Sydney for the Canadian one.

We were now waiting for our visas to come through so we could go to Canada. In the meantime I had amazing good fortune and made a lot of money, breaking all kind of sales records, and still talking to the spirit, Godfrog, Godfriend or whatever his name is. My assistant Bernie decided to come over with me, in fact he went ahead and, with my sister, helped to find a house for us.

It was a good job that I was making money as the Canadians required me to have ample funds up to 50K ,1975 dollars, and pass medicals. One daughter had a problem with one of her eyes, and although it wasn't diseased or anything we were nearly stopped from emigrating. Other nationalities just turned up at the Canadian Border, with no medicals, many with illnesses, and they were given welfare payments, accommodations and even loans to study for a trade.

Int'l Move...Supposed to be a consultancy but on examination there was no viable deal ...and back to Australia to live on the Gold Coast..

Well the day to emigrate arrived and we were all excited. Joan, myself and ten children going off to a new start in life and leaving all our problems behind. (Or so we hoped.) It must have been an amazing sight all these people in one family. They must have thought I was a millionaire for airfares were full price in those days. It must have cost about $10,000,or nearer $50,000++ in todays money, (1998 time of writing). We had to take two planes, one to Sydney and one to Los Angeles, and the kids were dragging stuff along with them. I can say that the other passengers did not have happy faces, but they were all very well behaved, the kids that is. Everyone saw us off at Sydney, where they were holding the plane, for we were delayed. My crew had turned out in Brisbane to say goodbye with our friends. All the gang were very excited to be on a plane, it was a great adventure.

The flight over had an event in it though...I noticed very worried looks on the faces of the stewards, and I noticed out of the window what appeared to be smoke coming from an engine...This happened to be the case so we were informed by the Pan Am pilot that we would be landing in Pago Pago, American Samoa. On landing we were checked into the Intercontinental Hotel for the night as they brought a new plane from the USA. The hotel was great and on a sandy beach; So Annabelle went and bought material to make sarongs for the girls so they could go swimming. So it was like a mini vacation, and we had a look around the town which was quite small.

The next day we boarded for a flight to LAX and then stay at the Holiday Inn and then change for Toronto.

A bigger adventure than we all thought, for we ended up with an unscheduled stop in Pago Pago, U.S.Samoa, and stayed in the Inter Continental Hotel.

It seems that an engine on the Pan Am jumbo 747,caught fire over the ocean.

We were not told at the time what was happening, although some passengers had seen something.They had seen smoke coming out of the engine on fire!!!The cabin crew were looking at the family and others with really strange looks, as they were aware that this could easily become a tragedy and all would be killed.

Jean was not that impressed with Los Angeles, it was too busy and fast and not her style. I think at this stage I should have realised that we would have been better off in Australia, but I felt I was going somewhere, particularly back to Florida eventually.

Toronto was a big experience for all the family and Jean liked it very much. We visited with my sister every weekend and it looked like we were going to make it. The family seemed happy and were settled in school. Unfortunately my business was not going so well and I had a huge family and big overheads.

WASHINGTON D.C.

So I took the opportunity to take Jean down to Washington to see the White House and the Congressional Buildings as well as the rest of the city. We enjoyed it all immensely, especially seeing the Congress in Session. We also went to the Ford Theatre, where Lincoln was assassinated and over the road to the house that he died in. I always had a great admiration for Lincoln and this was the highlight of our trip. I must say I really felt that I had spent a lot of time here before, a large dejavu. The whole area seemed to be very familiar in fact. On the way back to our hotel it really poured down with rain and we couldn't get a taxi anywhere. So we were walking up Pennsylvania Ave in the rain, or perhaps it was The Mall, not realising that we were taking a risk. It was quite dark and the water was over my shoes. Jean and I were pretty well soaked and seemingly lost in a park type median. The situation was really dangerous for we had miles to walk and there were all kind of people hanging around. I really was starting to get a little concerned but didn't voice this to Jeannie. Anyway from seemingly nowhere a Government official saw us and picked us up in his cab, how he saw us in the dark and pouring rain, I don't know, but he probably saved us from a mugging or worse. Americans are such a friendly and generous lot.

The family seemed happy and were settled in school. Unfortunately my business was not going so well and I had a huge family and big overheads. So our visit was a few weeks holiday and that was it....There was the climate problem and the bureaucracy for licenses and permits was a bit of an impediment for a businessman not used to them.So we did another trip to OZ and lived on the Gold Coast, Isle of Capri and I did well again. In fact when I traveled I stayed at the Sydney Hilton, Townsville and Darwin Travelodges, London Hilton, Sydney Boulevard, and the Parmelia in Perth. There were quite a few moves backwards and forwards between the two countries as my business was very sensitive to economic and bureaucratic factors. I had worked in four countries altogether and I was probably one of the most stable as most of my friends had worked in more countries. The business was like the oil business, military, or foreign service; Travel came with the job. So after a visit to the UK and Ireland a return to the Australian Gold Coast was in order. One of the problems with my job was ---that it was very sensitive to climate, student season,hiring possibilities and advertising, and this was the reason why myself and so many associates had to work in different countries to stay employed.

My first family move was supposed to be one move but unfortunately turned into several due to these extraneous conditions, and my lack of any actual qualifications to do anything else.

So my permanent base and company was in Canada and we spent weeks and months at a time doing business in Australia...during the summer student season mostly.

Appendix 5. Brisbane again.

After a successful business trip in Australia in, we moved back to Canada but things were not so good, a newspaper strike wiped out my advertising for six months, and after an attempt at a Pool Tournament in the USA, it was time to make a decision. At this time we also owned monkeys and one of them had to be returned after biting me.-- A spider monkey called spike. I then bought a macaque called Jo jo and a squirrel monkey called Adam. They were amusing but should not be pets so I gave them to the Vancouver Zoo in Aldergrove, where they could have more space and veterinarian care .

So I decided to finish my education at University. So I enrolled in University in Brisbane, part time and long distance and we set up house whilst this was going on, only leaving the three elder girls in Vancouver as they had left home anyway. I started out getting a house near the University in St Lucia and I was setting up franchises for an insulation company.- 'Space Age Batts'. In the end Woolworths bought out all the franchisees and the whole deal....so that was the end of that.

Soon after this an old associate of mine came out from the UK with a portrait photography deal.

I worked with him for a while but I could soon see that I was getting the short end of the stick. So Jean went out and bought camera gear on the friday and I practiced all weekend at being a portrait photographer. On Monday I did my first shoots and luckily I had the talent to do it. It was a risk but I had been to Liverpool Art School and I thought I could do it.

I still wanted to keep the family together, as much as possible and it was time to return to Canada; For I had the older girls there and of course, Jean's Mum. We all flew down to Sydney, where we visited with my mother and sister and family, before leaving.

I tried to put the family back together again so we invited everyone over for events. (I really thought that I had enough money and experience to make it this time.) All the time though, negative, distorted delusional information was being fed to the middle girls. Eventually one of the eldest girls had to be banned from these visits. However not before she had done permanent and irreparable damage to the children, which went across the entire blended family and even affected the youngest daughter in the worst of ways..

I STOP DRINKING...

However" man's extremity is God's opportunity."I had a disappointment from the family, which showed the differences between what I thought and they did. This was the final catalyst for me to consider my life at that time, and the drinking.

On "Boxing Day", Jean wanted to go to the stores, so off we went to Guildford. I was still in a fragile state. On arrival at the Mall we went to a major store and I rummaged through the cheap book box while Annabelle looked around. I checked out the dollar book tray and I found a brand new edition of, Richard Hittelman's Yoga book, worth a lot more than a dollar. I took it to the cashier to see if there was some mistake. She said if it is in the dollar pile, It costs a dollar. It was such an attractive book, glossy and fully illustrated, that I couldn't pass it up, for I loved books. So I bought it and took it home to read, and I started to do the positions and even started the meditations; I had no idea what I was doing or why I was doing it...but it would change me permanently...

I decided to become dry and teetotal. No easy task for an alcoholic of twenty seven years. This was a miracle in itself for I had been unable to quit drinking for very long at all.

As soon as the alcohol went the pace of spiritual development accelerated. I suppose it had been suppressed all my life and now it could burst forth. My meditation obviously was the cause and I was thinking more and more about God and what that really meant.

After I had lapsed from Catholicism, my only belief was that God was an Energy inside everything, plus I had a residual respect for "The Divine Mother. One day I was doing my usual meditation rituals, which involved the "Ha Rite" of the Huna, yogic breathing, plus some concentration on symbols from my yoga book. As I was sitting cross-legged on the floor I was overwhelmed by a surging energy which seemed to rise up my body, especially in my chest area. I was so startled that I nearly fell over. I did not know it at the time but it was probably an initiation or,"Shaktipat Diksha, "to the Kundalini. This energy was very similar to what I had experienced from time to time all my life.

BUILD UP TO THE INVITATION.

The Huna-Yoga had taught me how to use visualisation, unfortunately I was not spiritually aware enough not to use it for egoistic means. Things were going bad again workwise, in 1985.It seemed that all I had done was lose money in Vancouver and make it in Australia. I never was able to crack Vancouver saleswise, only once or twice and that was temporary, and I don't know why. However in Australia it was a different story, so I decided to give Perth a try, for the summer season again. I bought a ticket to Perth via Sydney, so I could visit family.I spent two weeks in Sydney and picked up a new book on Edgar Cayce and his readings. These readings helped me a lot and I owe a great debt to Cayce. For they helped me understand more fully Vedanta and concepts like reincarnation, karma and even the process of meditation. Cayce was a Western person talking about what is now mainly Eastern Spirituality, and this gave me a key to unlock some of the heavy philosophical concepts. Also his readings included so many case histories of this philosophy in action and therefore could be the more easily understood and appreciated.

Back in the crucible.

Anyway I flew to Perth on my international discount ticket and arrived through the international airport. I took a cab downtown to a decidedly seedy old hotel and checked in. I went to a few job interviews but nothing eventuated. I had divined with my pendulum "death in Perth" in Vancouver about two months before I left, but I ignored it. Anyway I ended up literally crying in my room, how could I get it so wrong? My Huna imaging wasn't working, it was all imagination and thats all. All my dreams of a house on the beach and other fantasies disappeared, I had misused the meditation and built myself up for a huge fall. For it was all material desires! Anyway I decided to call Jeann and report my dismal failure and terrible predicament, financially---exhausted!

I went to the public phones, at the main post office. and dialed up Canada. When Joan came on the line I couldn't speak, I just couldn't get a sound out. Annabelle realised something was wrong and kept talking to me until I could make a sound. A very strange thing happened to the phone also, it ran without money. It continued to run without money until I had recovered and then I hung up. The phone was alright whilst I was waiting to use it and also after I had used it! I thought someone must have overheard my problem and was helping me out, ( This also happened in a situation in Brisbane years later, when I had a job in an insurance company hiring people and training them.

I ran into an American there, named John Kleinhertz and we discussed Rumi and other Sufis. I told him about the phone incident and he thought I was being helped by a Higher Power. We had a long talk about mysticism and I really enjoyed the conversation. He actually was a Ba'Hai and later sent me a book "Seven valleys and the four valleys."

The next day I wandered into town and bought a bus ticket to Sydney, with my diminishing funds. Later I was walking along looking at some vendor stalls when I ran into an old friend, Danny O'Toole, who actually owed me a favour. I hadn't seen him since Sydney a few years before. Anyway he offered me some money and I thanked him for it, now I had a chance when I got back to Sydney. Amazing how things come around, if you do someone a good turn.

I had taken this young Irishman into our home, for his evening meal, and even gave him a job with a company I was with. I even went with him when he bought his first business outfit and advised him. "So what goes around comes around." However my attitude to material goals had taken a beating, this was my "Death in Perth, "the death of one kind of life and thinking and the start of another.

The bus journey was to be a long one, right across the Nullarbor Desert to the other side of the continent, over four thousand miles. Whilst waiting in the station I ran into a Maori fellow, who was doing the trip as a sight seer. He had some reason and I didn't ask, but I got the impression he may have been terminally ill. Anyway I was talking to him in Hawaian and he understood, I knew a few words. I spent a lot of time with him, talking about spirituality, as I understood it. He seemed quite happy to discussing all this. I was most grateful for the soap he gave me in Adelaide, for I could then shower at the bus station. I had been on a bus for a couple of days and now I had to change for the journey to Sydney.

Later on in 1985 I was staying with my mother in Australia, when I noticed an advertisement for a talk on reincarnation. The talk was given by a certain Chris Butler and he seemed to be a Hare Krishna. The entire lecture was about Krishna and there were electronic mantras and chanting, I sat through to the end to receive my free beads and a picture of Krishna, Madana Mohana. So Krishna was the first Eastern Picture that I considered important. We were introduced to chanting the Mahamantra of Hare Krishna and I quite enjoyed it.

The next week I bought a copy of "The Bhagavad Gita, "and "The Upanishads," from the Adyar bookshop, just on impulse.

This was all to change in November, 1985, suddenly and dramatically. Whilst staying in Sydney it had been my habit to visit the beach on the weekend.I also used to visit various shops in the City, particularly mystic bookshops. One particular day I visited Bondi Beach for a surf. For lunch I ate a McDonald's hamburger and then went down to the beach and fell asleep. During this sleep I had a dream that I was a Cow, in the slaughterhouse. I was in a line moving up to the" killer", and I could see what was happening. I knew there was killing going on and that I was to die cruelly. The whole atmosphere was full of bad vibrations, fear and panic. I was surrounded by the wail and smell of pure terror coming off the other animals. I experienced the entire horror! It was just as if I was the cow that was experiencing it, it was indescribable!

I then awoke suddenly and found myself saying "My God they know,they know that they are going to die cruelly." At that very moment I decided that I would give up eating meat of any kind.

As an afterthought it probably was the 'vibrations' in the meat that caused the dream, and my mind was reading them.

An appendix 6. to this chapter. We went back and forwards doing business in Australia / Canada always preserving a base and family there, in Australia. We could only leave for a specified time anyway...Mostly we did the student hiring seasons, which was where I made most of my yearly success.

Now, to the situation in Vancouver. The first problem was that in Australia if you are registered in any state you can work anywhere. I found out that in Canada that not only do you have to register in every province but even in every town.This slowed down my business and a six month newspaper strike finished me off. For I needed to continually advertise in the newspapers. For in direct sales the staff turn-over is pretty high. I essentially lost my life savings and the business due to circumstances beyond my control. Canada is not so business oriented as is Australia and the United States and they tend obey all the laws and by-laws.

(During this time Jean was thinking about buying a house, but I don't believe I would have qualified for a mortgage in Canada. I had the deposit but I didn't have two years of trading figures for my company. It would have been moot anyway, considering I went broke.)

The result of our first attempt at BC. was that my partner, Mike O'Malley had to go back down the to the U.S. and John Muirhead went with him. It seems that I just wasn't meant to be successful for any length of time in business. I could have bought two houses, cash, with the money I had lost in Canada. (That includes Toronto and Vancouver.) Jean's Mum was somewhat perturbed at my failure, and asked had I done it on purpose? She moved out of the house and got her own apartment, whilst I was in Australia. She got her own pensions and support from the government, so she was in the same position as in England.

Jean was reading about the Huna and lots of Edgar Cayce, at this time and she was relating all this to me. I had heard of Cayce in the sixties but had never read him.

The older girls did not bond, and never did after my separation for the two years from my first wife, so we had all kind of problems, such as leaving home and other teenage dramas. Such as, sneaking out of the window at 1am or 2am and going to the pool hall. I had to retrieve them from there, in the face of the characters hanging out there! The youngest who was only fourteen or fifteen had a steady boyfriend, she wanted to go with. (She was also mentally ill but undiagnosed at this time.) I tried to solve the problem, the way I had been taught, through discipline but this of course failed. It was all too little too late and inappropriate. They were just not used to being told what to do. They were not going to follow any rules it seemed, which made it hard on Jean and the other children. (They also had a lot of untreated trauma, which had not been resolved.) This of course set a bad example for the intermediate children and there was no lack of encouragement, to rebel, later on. I was of course made out to be some kind of monster and killjoy, for imposing curfews and the like.

However no-one was lost, no big drug problem or anything else, like that, except for dropping out of school. At least they all know each other, for without Jean they would have been in care or adopted out. Also they were with Jean long enough to have some behavioural patterns set down with regard to how to run a home properly and take care of oneself etc. I also knew that even if their mother hadn't have left them the way she did; it would have been a disaster anyway. For with Rosetta's illness getting progressively worse they would have ended up in care anyway. So the prediction from a few years ago in Miami all came to pass, it was all karmic destiny. (Looking back it makes one think a lot about how free-will operates for obviously all that happened was meant to be. It seems we have the illusion of free will so that we can incur the karma.)

Jean did a great job by sacrificing part of her life for all these children, who weren't hers. Unfortunately as often happens she wasn't appreciated, but as Ned Kelly, the Aussie Bushranger said before being hanged, "Such is life."

Patricia was a joy though and in fact became the only child, in the entire family, not to cause any trouble at all, which is absolutely amazing. She always had respect, good manners, was sensitive, conscientious and caring.

I also did a deal that included both Vancouver and Los Angeles. However I ended up with unreliable partners and we failed. It was a grandiose scheme to run a national pool ball tournament, ending up in Las Vegas. My partners, Barnes and Matthews, were incompetent, and ended up ‘selling’ off my idea for expense money. To an ex marine guard from the Nixon White House, as it happens. The idea caught on and became a national event.

So back to Australia again for another trip, broke again. I had family there anyway. If I had stayed in Australia in the first place, and no doubt would have been quite rich. Annabelle's Mum refused to move, in fact the only place she did move to was a nursing home eventually, and decided to stay in Canada. Not the only impetus, there were my attempts as well, to get back to wintering in Florida, but it was there. This trip was to Brisbane and I started out doing franchise consulting and then moved to sales again. At the same time I was doing an Arts Course at the University of Queensland, as a very mature student. I also heard of Tigrett's "Hard Rock Cafe," for the first time. I had a young fellow named Damien working for me, his father owns a zoo, Aspinall's, and some gambling clubs in London. It seems since I had owned Monkeys that I had something in common with his dad. He was one of the rich kids that made the cafes so valuable. Thus enabling Isaac to sell them for 108 million dollars and build a 'Super Specialty' Hospital, in India. Annabelle's Mum came out for a visit but preferred Canada it seemed. Though the kids really loved Australia at this time. They had the warm climate, swimming, going to the river and the beach and other things.

Soon after this an old associate of mine, Barnes, came out from Britain, with a new deal, "portrait photography." I worked with him for a while but I could soon see that I was getting the short end of the stick. So Jean went out and bought camera gear on the friday and I practiced all weekend at being a portrait photographer. On Monday I did my first shoots and luckily I had the talent to do it. It was a risk but I had been to Liverpool Art School and I thought I could do it.

The Curse..........

Anyway we took a trip up to Mt.Isa and Darwin and did very well although the expenses were high. I was known at the Irish club in Mt.Isa, in fact I was a National member, I probably still have a brick in the wall with my name on. This helped a lot and my canvassers did well except for one lazy fellow. This fellow was from New Zealand and seemed only interested in getting a ride to Darwin, where he intended to collect "the dole". He told everybody that he was a witch but I didn't believe him. I didn't have a problem with him but he must have had one with me. For one night while I was asleep he broke into my room and cursed me, with either "thought forms", or evil spirits. (years later, when I was into Huna I realised what he had done.)

The next day my legs were weak, for the energy was being stolen from me, so I went into town for some vitamin pills, for I thought that was my problem. I noticed an old Aboriginal woman looking at me from over the street, she was staring at me strangely. I had taken her family's portrait but I didn't know why she was staring so hard.

(I realised later that she could see the spirits, thought forms or whatever. Anyway on the way back to town after being at my room a strange thing happened. I was driving along when all of a sudden I felt an energy go through me, a blissful energy/Kundalini Rising. As this energy went through me I can remember saying, "I love God, I love God." I didn't know what happened but the leg problem stopped at my knees and then reversed itself. After I studied Huna I realised that the witch was in fact a Maori Tofunga,or had been trained by them. He wasn't a Maori but a long blond haired white boy or Pakeha, but he must have been a left-handed or evil "Black Witch-Doctor." This was a close call, evil forces were trying to destroy me at this early stage

RAIDED AGAIN.

I returned to Brisbane to build my business and I was in for a new round of good luck. One day I was calling on a business near the lab, selling photo business cards, when I noticed that the owner had a Merseyside accent. He in fact came from about two streets away from me in Moreton, where I had lived for a while. Jim Niblock was in the light construction business and I became interested for I could see a franchise potential here. I put a proposition to the owners and it was accepted.

Things were a little tight at home and we needed some cash quickly, I was down to my last $500 in the bank.I can remember walking out the door and saying to Joan, "Don't worry if God will look after the birds in the air He will look after us". Well that day I closed a franchise deal and made several thousand dollars, but that was a close call.

The business took off and we had a manufacturing plant as well. We contracted everything out and things looked great, but just around the corner was the recession and I had to get back to Canada, where the rest of our family were. I had left the bigger girls behind and of course Jean had left her mum. The lab where I got my photos processed was pretty mad that I had joined Jim, for I was a good customer. I was in dispute over a bill also, for I had discounted many portraits because of a dark mark, up in the corner. When I asked John about it he said it was the way I was using my flash or my equipment was faulty. His new partner made the mistake of telling me it was their faulty printing machine, so I witheld my last bill, until I was recompensed. They tried to sue me but I put in my defense and the matter was dropped, but not over.

John's new partner was a criminal type that had run brothels and was quite a standover merchant, but he had no luck with me. Thats what I thought anyway but I had a big surprise coming from some of his corrupt police friends.

I awoke one morning to loud banging on the door, really loud hammering! I went to the door and there was a cop reading a search warrant out aloud, like a towncrier. There were seven cars surrounding the house, just like in the movies. Here I was with a wife and seven children all very worried by this raid. Well in they came like storm-troopers and tipped all the kids out of bed, questioning them about my guns! I thought not again, shades of Bondi, who has set me up this time? They searched the whole house from top to bottom, tipping out drawers and everything. I had $3,000 in a shoe, from deposits I hadn't banked yet, but they missed that. They would have thought that was dirty money no doubt.

When they finally realised that there was nothing in the house they started to question me. The heavy State Policeman sat me down at the table and started off by asking, "Do you have any form Tony, that is a criminal record." I answered in the negative for I have never done anything criminal. They then questioned me about running guns from a factory in the suburbs. I knew the factory, they made industrial mobile offices, and I had worked there when the owner and I were franchising restaurants. I supposedly was a big gun runner to the I.R.A., what a cock and bull story! (However the were shades of a similar experience in Bondi, perhaps that was still on file.) Somebody had police contacts and the Queensland police were notoriously corrupt, in those days. (They have been cleaned up somewhat since.) However there were Australian Federal Police there as well.

Well they sat me down and a big overweight State detective started to question me. When my wife walked in he said "who is the woman"? I answered my "wife." They made much of my Mt. Isa Irish Club card, (the Irish in this club were probably in the minority, and half the town were members.) and persisted with many questions, all which I answered. I then told my interrogator that this was all a set up. He said that it all came from a policeman in the office. I said that didn't matter he was doing it for someone and I told them of my trouble with John and the photo lab. He said "am I saying that a policeman would tell lies?" and I told him "yes". The Federal police then said. "Was I saying this was a set-up", and I said that it was. He agreed with me and they wound up the raid. The State guy still thought he had something and said he'd get me in the end.

One thing that did puzzle me was how did they get the warrant, on such flimsy evidence? I had a laugh with the neighbours for a while, for they thought they had Mr. Big in the street. I still wanted to keep the family together, as much as possible and it was time to return to Canada; For I had the older girls there and of course, Jean's Mum. We all flew down to Sydney, where we visited with my mother and sister and family, before leaving.

I tried to put the family back together again so we invited everyone over for events. (I really thought that I had enough money and experience to make it this time.) All the time though, negative information was being fed to the middle girls. Eventually one of the eldest girls had to be banned from these visits. However it was too late the damage was permanently done, and we did eventually lose some children, even after forgiving and forgetting several times. (As Doctor Phil says we should never give people the benefit of the doubt, but we should protect ourselves and families..from Baiters).

I was doing a few things business wise but not much. It was the recession and I was trying to do light construction but the business didn't get off the ground, and I lost another pile of money. I decided to see if anything was happening in L.A., so I flew down and took a monthly rate at the Holiday Inn, in Glendale. I rented a car and checked out a few of the franchise deals but nothing was happening very fast. I bumped into a fellow that I had met in Sydney, who was selling some kind of insulation but nothing eventuated. God was in my mind though and I was actually thinking "God will look after me", which was an unusual thought for a self motivated person like myself. However I had been thinking about God since the experience in Australia.

I had been watching healing services on television for a while and I heard one Evangelist was coming to town. So we decided to go and see him, (glimmers of spirituality coming through again). So on the appointed day we went down to an arena nearby, where it was to be held. There was quite a crowd and I had all the family there to watch. We had come to see the miracles of healing take place. Well the first half of the meeting involved only raising money and selling Bibles that had been blessed in Jerusalem. That made them worth $100. Eventually he wanted all those inflicted with alcohol and nicotine devils to come on to the floor and be cured. He prayed over us but I didn't feel cured of my drinking.

Eventually after much preaching and money collecting he called us all down on to the floor. He had two men stand behind each person in turn and he came along blessing our foreheads. As he did this you fell backwards and the helpers lowered you down. We all fell back and I don't know why, perhaps mass suggestion? perhaps a release of Kundalini, who knows? Only grandmother didn't react to the blessing, but she didn't want to anyway. I didn't see anybody cured of anything provable, unlike on the television. It was a bit disappointing, I thought it would be better than that. It all seemed about raising money for a vast entourage. However I was looking for something but this would put me off for at least another year. I wasn't happy with the Catholic Church and it seemed that the Protestant Evangelists had nothing either.

The last time I had seen anything like this was when my mother and Eilish took me to hear a Father Peyton doing a Rosary Crusade. That was about as interesting as this event I had witnessed. I would be happy to send the kids to Catholic Instruction for a while, at least I knew what truths and other things they would be taught. I had now spent another house in Canada but this time it really was the fault of the recession. So back to Oz, the land of opportunity, and less red-tape!

As usual, in business, I got in with an inefficient lot, who went bankrupt on me, leaving me with all my great ideas, about computers and big-screen T.V.s, in ruins. Nothing momentous happened that year and I ended up doing a few things by myself, such as portrait photography. Things were getting desperate, and the impulse to return to Vancouver was there. So I decided to move in with my mother for a short while and head over to Vancouver. I gave notice on the house, 73, Fletcher St, South Bondi, to Hilton Real Estate agents, and they told me that the owner wasn't going to give me back my bond, as there was a broken window. The back window had been cracked by himself when he tried to force it, and it sure wouldn't cost $500-1984. Luckily I was also a couple of days behind in the rent, so it was a Mexican stand off. I witheld the same amount of rent as the bond. He went and spread stories at the kid's school, I couldn't believe it. These Bondi landlords had not changed in twenty years, same European refugees. However I couldn't fault the real estate agents, for I think they thought he was out of order and hadn't pushed for the last rent. One boy wouldn't be coming as he had run off to Brisbane to an old drunk's house. So he wouldn't have to go to trade school.

We had enough money to get back to Canada, and I hadn't given up on moving back to wintering in Florida, which I really liked. It was still in the back of my mind. When we were back in Canada we all went to church on Sundays, which was a huge turnaround for me and I did it mainly for the kids. I had to bribe them with hamburgers afterwards though. One of my daughters joined the youth group but when she told me about then swearing and smoking I pulled her out of it. This convinced me that I was not after all going to find what I was looking for in the Catholic Organisation. Although I did still attend for the young one's sake and my wife enjoyed the services and singing. When I was away from the family I didn't bother though. I wanted something but it wasn't Catholicism.

Although Jean kept going, even though she wasn't a Catholic. I think she felt it filled some hole and she liked the Priest who was a friendly chap. For some strange reason about this time I noticed E=MC squared in an encyclopedia and I read again about relativity and energy. This had a strange effect of making me think about energy and energies coming off people. I was starting to question the reality of things, as they appeared and I knew that energy coming off people could influence others.

At Christmas time 1984,we were living in Surrey, and I had all the family over for dinner, and a disagreement arose with one of the kids over a story about one of my sons in Australia. The schizophrenic girl had made up a fantastic story, which disagreed with what I knew was happening. She had not been fully diagnosed at this time, but unbeknown to us was on lithium. We had been told she was on some kind of replacement salts.

Anyway I passed out, drunk, and when I awoke everybody had gone, they had just eaten and left, after all the work that had been done. Also it indicated to me that all the effort to unite the family was viewed in a different light than the way I did. I was so upset that I was cursing and even denied the existence of God. I was at my extremity I could do no more for the family and what we had done was not appreciated. This was a crisis point in my life and I was going to need help. I went to bed drunk cursing and denying the existence of God! However" man's extremity is God's opportunity."

THE YOGA BOOK STARTED IT ALL .

The next day, being "Boxing Day", jean wanted to go to the stores, so off we went to Guildford. I was still in a fragile state but feeling a little sheepish over my behaviour. On arrival at the Mall we went to a major store and I rummaged through the cheap book box while Jean looked around. I checked out the dollar book tray and I found a brand new edition of, Richard Hittelman's Yoga book, worth a lot more than a dollar. I took it to the cashier to see if there was some mistake. She said if it is in the dollar pile, It costs a dollar. It was such an attractive book, glossy and fully illustrated, that I couldn't pass it up, for I loved books. So I bought it and took it home to read.

I started to do the positions and even started the meditations. I had no idea what I was doing or why I was doing it. At one point I was sitting upstairs with a magnet on my head. I also started reading books on different spiritual systems, starting with the Native Americans .I then moved to Chinese Taoism, with the "Secret of the Golden Flower." I then went to the Kabbalah, which is something I had always wanted to do since the 1970s,when I started to identify more strongly with my Jewish heritage. My days with my paternal grandmother and her Jewish friends seemed to have a lasting effect, and I even tried to understand Jesus from the point of view of the Kabbalah. (I was pretty close here but didn't realise it for Jesus was raised by the Essenes and would have imbibed very heavily in the mysticism of the group. He also was an Incarnation expected since early times, not the Messiah but a Messianic message.) I don't know how my grandmother ended up the way she did instead of a practising Irish Jew but it may have something to do with the times she lived in. However it didn't stop her from mixing in very un-Catholic, and un-Jewish things and psychism. I associated with a lot of Jewish people and I felt comfortable with them, and them with me. Perhaps my previous lifetime as a Jewish Scribe in Palestine, was influencing me. I think that if I had not taken the Vedantic Spiritual path that I did. I would have followed the Kabbalah, Judaistic version. For even though I was only Jewish descent it had a strong influence on me and I identified with it. I was not shy about my Jewish ancestry and I claimed it so to speak.It was also very strange how I always ended up with Jewish Friends and business associates, and they helped me on many an occasion, when I really needed it. The circle of life always ended up in some Jewish company, even in Vedanta. I have always wondered about it, and eventually put it down to past life influences.

Also I took a great interest in the Sufis and Hawaian Mysticism; The Huna. It seemed as if a door had been opened in my mind and I searched out a lot of eclectic stuff; such as Sivananda's Yoga and the Nag Hammadi texts.

I ended up being fascinated by the Huna of Hawai, which my wife and father had already read about way back in the 1970s. I read all of Max Freedom Longs books and more and I suppose I was intrigued by the mystery of Mana, "Prana."

Around this time I was also trying to understand Jesus. I knew he embodied the "Christ Spirit", but what was that? At one point I thought he was Kether off the Jewish Kabbalah Tree. It is strange that I was getting into "Form", again. For whilst I was agnostic I only believed in "Energy", but now that I was spiritually searching I was reverting to form again. I suppose I had to go back to the start of the process in order to change it.

In fact one night after my meditation session I asked that I be led to the True Christ, I was getting a little confused.

I actually said "Lead me to the True 'Christ'". As opposed to just the Jesus body, I suppose.

I started getting into the Huna as well as doing deep breathing exercises, that Long had described in one of his books. The Hawaian Huna seems to be the remains of an esoteric body of mysticism, probably from Mu. It has some correlation with Indian Yoga and other systems, especially Taoism.

The essential belief is that we have three spirits, The Lower Self, The Middle Self and The Higher Self. These correspond roughly with, the body, the mind and the Supermind, or the unconscious, the conscious and the super conscious. There is also the belief that energy exists everywhere and is called, "Mana" This energy can be generated by deep breathing and holding of breath, it is intelligent and can be directed through imaging. Energy is generated by the Lower Self, which occupies the body, and is directed by the Middle Self or conscious mind.

There are techniques involving The Higher Self and surrender to The High Self is taught. As it is a form of Yoga it can be used in different ways, "Black", and "White" and can involve healing and magic. There also can be involvement with spirits and thought forms.

Myself and the kids experimented with telepathy, Auras and generating Mana, successfully. We used this Mana to change the taste of water and to heal our ills. Bernadette was very good at curing her toothaches and seemed to take to it all naturally.

One day Nicole was suffering from a sore ankle and a Spirit came and touched her on the ankle and cured it. The kids were also seeing other bodies and all kind of spirit beings. One day I was talking to Nicole when a ball of Golden Light shot through the room at about knee height. All kind of things were being awakened but nothing bad. Although Nicole was playing tricks with telepathy, such as making people scratch their heads and things like that. I told her not to continue doing those kind of tricks on her teachers and others. Brigid Patricia used to tell her to stop sending circles and let her get to sleep. Brigid Patricia developed a sensitivity to people 's conditions and would feel it ,if someone was ill. She was highly sensitive but in a different way.

They treated the whole experience as a natural thing and this gave them an open mind and good attitude. I actually saw Nicole call a bird down from the sky, right down to her head level. Birds have been associated with her ever since, especially crows and ravens.

However the preoccupation was with Siddhis or Magic and the truly Spiritual seemed to be overlooked somewhat. The breathing was helping my meditation though and I was getting some strange experiences. I was hearing strange Eastern chanting,with music,and other visions. Most of this was of a pleasant nature and due to stirring my mind in meditation. I did have some very strange energy rushes though, which I have explained elswhere. I also started getting into" The Sufis",and this was leading me into things of a spiritual nature. I also acquired a guide about this time, his name was" Ibn El Rasa" and I presumed he had something to do with The Sufis. I could visualise him in meditation and he used to guide me and answer questions. Sometimes a figure would come that I couldn't make out, one time he told me to take "the middle road". This was my mysterious subtle figure, who would be visiting over the years.

During this period my drinking was diminishing gradually, although I hadn't thought about giving it up. In fact I was making my own beer and I had a room full, for I was drinking very little. I was only drinking about a pint a day and it seemed ridiculous waiting to do that everyday. So on the fifteenth of April I decided to become dry and teetotal. No easy task for an alcoholic of twenty seven years. This was a miracle in itself for I had been unable to quit drinking for very long at all.

After I had lapsed from Catholicism,if I ever was really in it at all, my only belief was that God was an Energy inside everything, plus I had a residual respect for "The Divine Mother. "One of the dreams I had at this time was about a little Indian man. I was in an elevator and a little Indian man got in, he pushed the controls and the elevator was no longer under control. He then got out and left the elevator to run on it's own, with me in it, it actually stopped at a floor and the door opened. I asked a man standing there what floor we were on. He said that we were on the seventh floor. One day I was doing my usual meditation rituals, which involved the "Ha Rite" of the Huna, yogic breathing, plus some concentration on symbols from my yoga book. As I was sitting cross-legged on the floor I was overwhelmed by a surging energy which seemed to rise up my body. I was so startled that I nearly fell over. I did not know it at the time but it was probably an initiation or,"Shaktipat Diksha, "to the Kundalini. This energy was very similar to what I had experienced from time to time all my life.

Past life regression.-I also had a very strange spontaneous vision one afternoon. I was sitting in my armchair, watching television and reading when a series of scenes came into mind. I saw a young man hiding and being hunted by soldiers, in red coats with brass badges or structures on their hats. The young man was hiding in what seemed to be ferns and bracken. I had a feeling that this was Ireland of the latter 18th century or early 19th. As the scene progressed the man was captured, put in chains and transported down to the docks. He was then put aboard a large sailing ship, with a lot of other people in the same predicament.

The vision the man had, was of a young woman, standing on the dock, holding a baby, as he was trooped aboard the ship, in chains with many others. The scene then switched to what appeared to be a tropical island, full of sugar-cane plantations. The conditions on the plantations were deplorable and the workers were obviously slaves. Besides Whites there were also many Blacks and they were all housed together. The young man was eventually attracted to a young Black girl and had an affair with her. At this time there was some kind of mutiny and the cane fields were set aflame. The young man escaped to a sailing ship in the harbour. As he approached he hailed the ship in Gaelic, his only fluent language. The captain answered in Gaelic, and then took him aboard and gave him refuge. The captain's name, strange enough was Kelly.

The ship sailed for America and docked in New Orleans, where the young man went ashore and lived in what would be the French Quarter today, (Vieux Carre.)

There were lots of Blacks and Irish around in fact one Irish Priest actually taught the young man English. The young man's name was Sean and he lived in the old slave quarters. The scene shifted showing Sean progressing successfully, becoming a landowner and growing wealthy in this "New World." There seemed to be no reconnection with the lady and child in Ireland. Eventually Sean became some king of politician, giving speeches in a large legislative chamber.

Around this period the Civil War broke out and Sean ended up an officer in the Confederate cavalry. (An ex-slave himself.) The last scene I had a vision of, was a cavalry charge with Sean in grey with a black-feathered hat on. He was charging down on the Union positions when a cannon ball hit him, in the neck, ending his life. By this time I realised that I was Sean and I saw and felt myself leaving my body, as I died. The date was 1862 and the battle was at a place called Shiloh! That was my feeling anyway.

My wife then asked me what happened as I seemed to be in a trance, looking at the floor for a few minutes! I told her the story and we both wondered how such a long story could fit into such a short time. It was a distortion of time and strangely enough a stiff pain that I used to have in my neck went away. We realised that what had happened was that I had just experienced a spontaneous, past-life regression. My first, regression, that I was aware of.

I later learnt how to regress myself but I stopped doing it for I had enough problems living my present existence. However a few times I saw my own death; as a soldier, as a Jewish scribe at the time of Jesus, and in another time in an advanced civilisation that I took to be Atlantis. My studies at the library continued and in fact all I had to do was stand in front of a wall of books until I felt the impulse to go and pick one out. It would always relate to whatever I was reading at the time. I was on a guided course of study, it seems. In fact this continued for some months

BUILD UP TO THE INVITATION.

The Huna had taught me how to use visualisation, unfortunately I was not spiritually aware enough not to use it for egoistic means. Things were going bad again workwise, in 1985.It seemed that all I had done was lose money in Vancouver and make it in Australia. I never was able to crack Vancouver saleswise, and I don't know why. However in Australia it was a different story, so I decided to give Perth a try. I bought a ticket to Perth via Sydney, so I could visit family.I spent two weeks in Sydney and picked up a new book on Edgar Cayce and his readings. These readings helped me a lot and I owe a great debt to Cayce. For they helped me understand more fully Vedanta and concepts like reincarnation, karma and even the process of meditation. Cayce was a Western person talking about what is now mainly Eastern Spirituality, and this gave me a key to unlock some of the heavy philosophical concepts. Also his readings included so many case histories of this philosophy in action and therefore could be the more easily understood and appreciated.

I GET INTRODUCED TO VEDANTA.

At this point I did not know what I was reading but I persevered. At the same time I was meditating to Sufi Zikrs and electronic Hare Krishnas. I was also reading Rumi, Din Attar, Ibn Arabi and other Sufis. However at this stage there was still no breakthrough and I really did not have a particular spiritual direction. During one of these meditations I received the message Ka La Ba Do, which could mean, in the light of the forehead, in Hawaiian. Or perhaps Kala Bardo which is something else altogether and has to do with time and border planes.

I then awoke suddenly and found myself saying "My God they know,they know that they are going to die cruelly." At that very moment I decided that I would give up eating meat of anykind. Later on the same day I was browsing in the Adyar bookshop when I was drawn to a certain shelf. I had some strange "energy" experiences in this shop, similar to the experiences I had had before in my life. Starting with the Standing Stone of my childhood.

Anyway I went to the shelf, where the Eastern books were. I had seen them there before, but this time I my attention turned to the strange looking person in red, who looked like Jimmy Hendricks, with his "Afro." They had his picture deliberately turned outward. I asked one of the assistants about purchasing one and she said, "wait a minute, one of our staff is a follower and she can get you a cheaper book. The assistant told me about him being an Avatar and stuff like that. "The young lady came out with the book, "The Holyman and the Psychiatrist," by Dr.S.Sandweiss. I bought it for about $6, which was less than half price, and I glanced through it there and then. I turned to the back, where there were" Sai Maxims," and I noticed that it was a complete guide for living. I read through it on the bus home and took particular note of what He said about vegetarianism, especially after my dream on the beach. I had also been guided by a worker in the shop who was a follower, so I was diverted at this time. I decided that here was a real "High Self," in human form and decided that I would follow Him. I was hooked!!!!! My search for the "True Christ," was over but my journey had just begun. At this time I had no idea at all that like a lot Gurus he was complete fraud, and a paedophile to boot. In fact that evening at dinner I told my mother these would be the last chops that I would eat, for I didn't want to offend her, for she had made dinner.

The next week I went back to the bookshop and got the address of a local centre, for I wanted to go to a meeting. I later found out, after attending my first Bhajan, or sung prayer meeting, at Dr. Sara Pavan's, that the day I became a vegetarian and a Devotee was in fact Baba's 60th Birthday, 23rd,November,1985.I of course took this to be most auspicious and full of meaning. It was the final coincidence and strong enough to overwhelm a sceptic like myself, there was no turning back now! I was now right in there, full of delusion. Now I had to find out what to eat so I bought lentils and lots of vegetables, but it was a mess. Eventually I discovered vege-dogs and burgers and then tofu. I went to "Mirrabrook Sai Centre", for my first Bhajan. It was held in the cellar of a house, where there was a prayer room. I was not prepared for what came next, my first predominantly Sanskrit Bhajan. It all seemed a bit strange but uplifting I wanted to learn those Bhajans, now that I had been initiated, so to speak. However I did feel like a stranger in a strange world and only my belief in Swami helped me handle it, for I did not want to join another religion. I was totally deluded, and would be for 15 years!

.....A stranger returns, as a cult member..................................

Two weeks later I arrived back in Vancouver much to the surprise of my family. I was somewhat over enthusiastic and full of missionary zeal. I turned up in white clothes and beads around my neck. Jean thought I had formed my own Hare Krishnas, it was a big shock. She even thought that I may be a walk-in, but I wasn't spiritual enough for that yet, she thought. I had written to her from Australia saying I had found a real High Self--Sai Baba, to put it in Huna parlance. It must have been a great shock to her for a sea-change had taken place in my life, even if my spirituality hadn't caught up yet. So I didn't handle things diplomatically at all and I was to suffer for that. I was suffering from true believer syndrome, as do all cult members.

Before I left Sydney I received a contact number from Sara Pavan for Vancouver. The number was Raman Dhanji's and I called it from Surrey. Raman invited over to his house to meet him and another girl and then we would go down to the temple, Siva Mandir. We drove over and on arrival met his wife and the other young lady, who was into Yoga. We discussed my experiences and the concepts of Brahman and the Christ Spirit. Raman had a large picture of SaiBaba as "Mother of the Vedas", over the mantlepiece. After a while we went down to the temple, where I met a few more people, before the Bhajan began. I was full of it all and I overdid it with the vegetarianism. My wife didn't know what to cook or what to do. No wonder that she initially thought that I was a "walk-in, "spirit. I took the kids to their first bhajan on the 21st December, 1985 and they were no doubt more shocked than I was in Australia. For unlike Australia there were no English bhajans at all, Vancouver was at least ten years behind. At this time only a daughter became a vegetarian,Patricia did later for her own reasons. Declan stayed as he was, in fact there was no change at all, he was on his own learning curve. I still took the kids to Midnight Mass at the local Catholic Church which was quite an event. The lights were all dimmed and the procession of the baby Jesus started around the church. As the last lights went out a little voice shouted at the top of his voice, "Ghostbusters", this was the source of some amusement but it was also indicative of what people's real religion was.

I enrolled the kids in Bal Vikas and they started to learn about Rama, Krishna and Indian Spirituality. I would have been happier if they had a broader religious base in their teachings. However at that time the Vancouver Centre was conservative in the extreme, and still is very Indian oriented, I loved all the tradition and the ritual and I went a little overboard. I had Gods all over my walls and a shrine as well. I even had a laminated strip about ten foot long, full of Gods and Baba, and of course it was all incense and candles. I was again reverting to Form for that was again the start of the whole process of moving towards Formlessness. However Jean came to terms with my new spiritual madness and I of course tempered my overt enthusiasm. We also started weekly family Bhajan, which continued for some years. Brigid used to give them readings from Sai Baba' life story, when I wasn't there. We were now all in a cult, and what a brain washing situation it was. Luckily we all woke up eventually, and the teachings, that we learned, were in the main true, if not the teacher.

In 1986 we had the opportunity to visit Chagan's house, which had incredible manifestations from Swami, supposedly. I had heard about it from Sai Brother Doneca and he suggested that we go and see it.I called up Chagan and made an appointment to come to his Bhajan and observe the manifestations. I wanted to bring my wife and family in order that they could witness the omnipresence of Swami and have that reinforced.

When we arrived, on the Thursday night, Chagan was doing a puja of some sorts with a fire and a Mantra. After he had finished I introduced myself and the family and we discussed a little about Swami and where I came from. At some point Chagan decided to show us the house, so around we went. There were many shrines to different Godforms, including Jesus and of course many of Swami. All of these were manifestating Vibhuti, Kum-Kum and even Amritum, or Divine Nectar. There were lingams that had manifested in his garden, from Divine Mother .He also had coconuts that used to move by themselves and even crack open.(Symbols of the ego splitting and the offering of the soft heart to God.)As the bhajan was about to start we took our seats on our respective sides of the floor. A container of water was placed in front of the altar and so were bowels of fruit. During the singing of the bhajan I noticed vibhuti manifesting on the fruit right there as we sang. At the end of the service the fruit was given as Prasad. The water had turned into Amrit or Ambrosia, very thick, sweet and honey like. We were given some fruit, some Amrit and a parcel of Pan to take home. As we left the bhajan Chagan said that he would ask Sai Baba to come in a dream to my wife. I think Jean took that with a pinch of salt but she did have a dream that evening. I still have the image of Chagan standing in his yard with his hands in Namaste, saying goodbye to us.

In the early hours I awoke to a subtle figure disappearing from the foot of our bed. Jean awoke and said : "I had a dream of Sai Baba". I asked" what did he say?" She answered: "He said that He was an Aspect of God." We didn't go back to Chagans but it proved all I had said about Swami, to my family. Little did I realise it was all kinetic and spirit activity, and had nothing to do with Sai Baba, at all. In this year we had some extremely trying times, especially from the family. Our seventeen year old daughter had left home just after her seventeenth birthday and before I got back from Australia. She essentially wanted to go with her boyfriend and leave school, be unrestricted as to curfews etc. (Although some months later she had a baby.) However this had a bad effect on our fifteen year old girl, for they were quite close. So a plot was hatched to enable her to leave home, for I of course would not approve. So one day she was gone and I knew where, so I called up the bigger girls, who would not give me any information. This must have all been planned before I got back, for I had only been back a few weeks. Anyway we got hold of Social Services and they told us that she would be taken into care. She would not be allowed to stay with her older sisters. The Social Worker, a certain Ms Conway, told me that she had interviewed her older sister and believed them both. The fifteen year old had learning and developmental problems and the older sister was twenty four years old and a paranoid schizophrenic. Well Mary Conway. said, that she believed them when they told her, that I chased them with an axe on a rope and other fantastic stuff. I found some years later when talking to the police that it was Helga-Sue that had organised the whole attack as a displacment on her own condition. All the kids, in the school yard, know what to tell Social Services, if they don't want to return home, their friends know all the tricks. They also said that I had joined a "cult", of Si Barber, Sai Baba. (Which I actually had, but didn't know it.) I was actually questioned about Baba by the Social Workers, in their offices. Anyway she came with the police to apprehend the other three remaining children.

However the police were not convinced that the children were in any danger and decided not to take them. Mary Conway was protesting and insisting that they all be apprehended but the police were not going along, and told her so. They had interviewed the three kids separately and got nowhere with them, for there was nowhere to go, in fact had been told not to believe lies. (Some years later in Brisbane about 2000, I was staying with my oldest son and his wife Peta, and this daughter took umbrage to it, as she wasn’t allowed to stay. So she did a repeat and called the Social Welfare on RIta accusing her of abusing the children. This created a huge problem, and luckily I was there to give evidence that this daughter had done this before in Canada. After several interviews with the Police and Social Workers, they realised it was all a phoney complaint and dropped it. Poor Peta nearly had a nervous breakdown though, and I think it left a permanent impression.)

(Another reaction to this original event was when we applied to foster our grandaughter it all came up on files. However the Social Workers investigated it all and decided it was not a problem and was a false complaint. The RCMP had indicated this also, and we got a clear police report. So we fostered Therese, Michelle's daughter, for a couple of years.)

(At that time a social worker asked me if I would attend family therapy and I said that I would provided the oldest girl got some help first. For I knew that without therapy there would be no solution to the 'agitating source' of the problem. Sadly, this opportunity was missed and that was the last I heard of course).

We decided that our situation was bad and that we would have to flee Canada, for a while at least. The three children were suffering terribly for they all carried a quarter to call home, in case they were apprehended at school. That way I would find out where they were and could pick them up and take them over the border, to the U.S.. In another interview with the Social Services they told us that the judges do what they say without question, so what's the point of having a court at all I asked.

So I went up to the Australian Consulate for advice. They told me that there was something wrong with B.C. Social Services, for they were always having trouble with them. They advised me to ignore everything and if possible take all the kids to Australia, where the B.C. Writ doesn't run, for all intents and purposes. I called the Premier's Department and they said they would look into the situation. I decided that we would go to court over this matter, I had no choice anyway. It was a tortuous time for all of us and it permanently affected the children.

We decided that we couldn't trust the system and that we would have to cut our losses. The fifteen year old won't be back, we could rely on Social Services and the older girl to achieve that. So we decided to go to Australia for a while, where we had, other children and family and freedom. So I wrote a letter to the court explaining that we felt persecuted and had to go away for a while. THE DAY BEFORE WE BOARDED THE PLANE, Mary Conway called to say that after testing the child and also finding out the older girl was delusional, that I was right and that she would like to apologise, but the fifteen year old would not be coming back, for it was too late, she was almost sixteen by this time anyway. We of course forgave them for this incident, as we had all others in the past. In fact Jean spent many a day visiting at Riverview Mental Hospital, and to this day we see a lot of her daughter, our grandchild, Therese. If they had been sensible in the beginning we may have averted the entire problem. I couldn't take a chance so we went to Australia for a while. I read in the paper that Mary Conway. was later fired for apprehending a baby that she shouldn't have. At the same time they put children into dangerous homes and some die, they look in all the wrong places it seems. I feel that it is a lack of spirituality and intellectual exercising that causes these people to act so arbitrarily.

The same type of thinking has almost wrecked the school system and if the proof of the pudding is in the eating, it's a lousy pudding. Lack of discipline and guidance has resulted in a complete lack of propriety in the schools. Some people even bring guns to school and dealing in addictive drugs is common. I'm afraid that the unspiritual, no discipline, approach has done great damage to our children. It is just egos interfering in peoples lives and preventing parents from raising their children. One child turned up at a local school dance with an Uzi and another child was executed later, by youthful drug dealers.

The Australian Sai Experience. ( Before I learned he was a complete fraud, and pedophile.)

On arrival in Sydney we stayed with my mother and I took the family to Dr.Pavan's, Mirrabrook Centre, for a bhajan. We soon moved up to Brisbane, in July 1986,and I contacted Arthur Hillcoat. That Thursday we went to our first bhajan at S.W.A.R.A. and met Valmai Worthington and the O'Brien sisters, Dorothy and Moyia. The centre was in a park like setting, next to Albert Park,with lots of plants, bushes and a big mango tree in the back.

Our first bhajan was a pleasant surprise, for half the bhajans were in English, and the children could for the first time understand the goings on. Also 80% of those present were non-Indians, indicating a measure of success unknown in Canada. It was here that I learnt to sing Bhajans and the family also. We had our own bhajan every Sunday and went to the centre on Thursday.

This was a difficult period financially but was an opportunity to learn. We all progressed and I had time to read lots of Philosophy. Also we were doing Seva work with the old and handicapped. Arthur Hillcoat was the President of the centre at this time as well as running Australia. He was a most spiritually enlightened person and was not bogged in form and dogma. We really enjoyed our time at Brisbane, for it was so relaxed and friendly. We were financially strapped so I had no car, necessitating walking and buses. However that wasn't all bad either, for we enjoyed walking through the park, chanting our Oms, and listening to the bats, flying foxes, twittering in the trees.

The Seva was fantastic, working with the old and handicapped at S.W.A.R.A. During this period I had the opportunity to read quite a lot and I read many books and texts on everything from Vedanta to Buddhism.

I even ended up with 100 year old copy of a study on the Bhagavata Purana,which I got at Manuel's bookshop, in Brisbane.I used to frequent his shop for he had many texts and books, some hundreds of years old. So in this "downtime", I progressed spiritually, but I was still somewhat attached to "Form". I had some interesting meditation experiences, one of which startled me at the time. I was starting to develop formless meditation when I broke through into a void type state. (Probably part of the Bardo.) This really startled me for I didn't know what was happening. My meditations seem to jump over some of these lower planes now, and I go straight to the mental and beyond.

We went down to the Gold Coast for the Birthday and the Bal Vikas chilren put on a play. It was there that I heard about Sai Baba saying that it is alright to eat eggs, which made my wife happy. Things were not so good after Christmas and it was nearly time to return to Canada. I really wanted to go the States, but my wife was so happy about returning. It was probably a bad decision at the time as far as the kids were concerned. For we left a fantastic Centre and a well disciplined school, Yeronga.

The school was run by a certain Mrs Miller, she was of the old school and she even scared me. She used to check the length of the girl's uniforms, by making them kneel on the floor and she believed in good manners and discipline. The house we lived in was an old house but right on the river in Tennyson, with beautiful landscaped gardens down to the river. We spent many a weekend down at the end of the garden near the river, basking in the sunshine. The kids even went swimming in the river. I don't know who had lived in the house before but there were some presences felt in there. Both Nicole and Brigid had visits from female spirits that would bend over their beds. These may have been disincarnates doing Swami's work though, for they seemed to be good and protective.

However things were really bad and this would put paid any chance that I could make it in Australia. Especially in Jean's and her Mum's mind. I knew things go up and down but that was me. When we decided it was time to return to Canada, due to a recession in Australia, we thought it would be good to go via Sydney. First of all we spent some time with my mother in Sydney then I flew ahead to Vancouver, where I hoped to get a job for the summer season in the building trade.

When I look back and see that the family would have been better moving back to Australia permanently, I wonder what influenced me to take this path?

Instead I returned to Vancouver and put the kids in Junior High, which defies description. Anyway it was no doubt karmic, for there were more bad times to come, from the children, which would have been avoidable in Australia.

On arrival in Canada I flew on to Toronto to see my sister and check out the job situation there. After a week or so I came back to Vancouver, and ended up doing construction sales. We set up house again and contacted the family and even re-united with one of the estranged girls and her young daughter. Unfortunately one of the elder girls told our granddaughter that her ‘Nana’, was dead. This upset little Marie for she thought Annabelle was dead. We got over this but I was still surprised at the vindictiveness and lack of empathy for a little child, to tell her upsetting things like that.So I turned up at the Vancouver Centre full of new ideas for reform, plus I had learned how to sing hymns. However my first demonstration of an English Bhajan fell on deaf ears. The powers that be literally turned their backs on me after I had sung, and this included many professional people. In 1988 I was elected Secretary of the Centre and I took the job seriously, not just as a title. I believe I was elected by default, and had great difficulty navigating the entrenched opinions.

MEDITATIONS.

During this period my meditations were becoming more formless, if that is the word. I was reading a lot of Sri Ramana Maharshi and was starting to absorb the teaching "Who am I." I was starting to watch "the thief in the palace "so to speak. During this year quite a few strange experiences took place. Whilst I was burning incense during our home bhajan, the incense burned into three concentric circles. I took this to mean the three Oms, but I wasn't sure that it wasn't just the way the incense burned, even though it went on for months. However one Ram Navami it burned in a way that couldn't be ignored. On this particular night, during the family bhajan, the stick changed shape three times. First it took the shape of Rama's bow, the bow of Siva or Lord Rudra, somewhat serpentine like. Then it straightened out and formed into a sanskrit one and then it just curled over. I took this to mean one-pointedness. I can remember telling this to Sishu and Muni and we knew that incense can not take so many shapes and not fall off the stick. This manifestation continued from time to time and then stopped for ten years. This again was of course all kinetic again. During this period I visited Australia every year just about. On one trip I took a course on Eastern Religion at Queensland University....as part of my degree course.

I did however get involved in the Swara Sai Centre again, in 1989, and had many happy times with my friend Danny Valentine Greer, who has an incredible story of his own.

One particular day I noticed some kind of Irish Exhibition in a local park, so I decided to have a look. On entering the main tent I walked right past the booze and took tea instead. As I sat down I heard a voice say, "How long have you been dry?" I answered "about four years. "He then asked did I go to A.A. and I said that I didn't. He then asked me did I do some sales work up in Northern Queensland for a book company. I said that I did and we realised that we knew each other, although we had never met sober. He was an Irishman named Gabriel from Dublin and he was now a member of A.A. Anyway he invited me to a meeting at the University of Queensland, so I went along, although I hadn't needed A.A. to get sober. Anyway I didn't think that I was too big so I went along. It was a most stimulating meeting and full of fantastic people. Some of the stories were sad and some were hilarious. The stories and the ability of the members not to take themselves seriously impressed me greatly. Also I was surprised to find out how spiritual it all was. They actually were trying to surrender to The Lord completely, or a Higher Power they called It. I was invited to get up and speak, which I did, going through the ritual of saying "Hi my name is Tony and I'm an alcoholic. "I went through the twelve steps and I learnt a lot about addiction and developed a new found respect for recovering addicts. My own addiction seemed to be of the self medicating type. However as Carl Jung said addictions are a search for spirituality at a very low level. That is what happened to me, as soon as I stopped drinking I became spiritual. The side effect was that I didn't seem to be able to make a lot of money anymore.

I just seemed to have my life organised, settling, finally and for the last time, when it all fell apart again. I had certain plans for myself, and family but man proposes God disposes. My plan was to move my family back to Australia, go back to University and qualify as a teacher or lecturer in Eastern Religions, whilst there was still time. If not, at least I could complete the course, and do some writing. For otherwise I would miss the boat and be virtually unemployable in my fifties. This is how I saw things, realistically or not. Unfortunately it was more than realistic. My wife would not come down from Canada this time and I cannot blame her.

The silver lining to the cloud was that I went to India, for I would never have been able to justify the cost, to my wife and others, at that time. It is strange for at this time I was starting to get deeper into other philosophy rather than Sai Baba. However this had the effect of throwing me more into the influence of Sai Baba, than before. For where else could I go now but to him? I remember Gabe giving me a hug and saying Tony "If you were franchising insanity you would make a fortune." This was after I intimated going to India. He also said that I should not worry for he had never seen anyone set up a deal and have eight people employed, all in a month and after arriving broke. He said that's the kind of thing people read about in books.

It would have to be the Spiritual Path now, for that's all that remained. (Since then I have some successes in a minor entrepreneurial role, or rather other people have had success due to me, but my days of full employment are well and truly over it seems.

I occupied myself by going to the Sai Centre and also to the Hare Krishnas. I learnt a lot from the Hare Krishnas, for they lived what they believed in.(Which was new in my recent experiences, as most Sai Devotees didn't.) I also did a lot of meditation and of course there was A.A.

Karma is such a strange force but we only ever meet ourselves. There hardly seems any point in making plans, one doesn't control events anyway it actually is easier to surrender to The Life Force and let Him do the planning. For He is the doer anyway! It is only attachment to the result of our plans and actions that causes pain, when they fail. If there is no attachment then there is no pain! I had built a possible happy existence in my mind. The strange happening with the public phone took place again. I was talking to my wife in Canada and the phone required no money. I was telling her what had happened to me and that I was thinking of going to India. She was not very happy about it. However I was in no mood to negotiate all that, as I had just lost everything. My problem was that I was ten years older than my wife and unfortunately for me I was endowed with some forsight. My reception, as expected, was not that good, on my return from India. Also one daughter was having some problems with her teenage evolvement, which would continue for some time. During this time she visiting with the ‘middle sister’ and her de-facto ‘Toivo’. He knew that I did not want her drinking, yet he was giving her alcohol on her visits. Also no doubt a lot of stories were being pushed in the furtherance of certain agendas.They were actually repeating the deluded fantasies of the oldest girls, which attacked me. This cannot have helped her transition as a teenager. They were also interested in furthering the agenda on Patricia. ‘Todo’ saying.. ’Why don’t you tell her about her real mother’, and stuff like that. I realised that I was going to have to be forced to explain the situation before they furthered their destructive agenda. So I called the family together and I sat in a hard back chair, whilst I explained the demise of my first wife and how Joan had saved the family. This was quite emotional and most were crying for they really didn’t know the whole facts. We hadn’t told Patricia, officially that Joan wasn’t her biological mother, but she had known for a couple of years. For she had read some documentation. The other kids had no idea, except for distorted rumours, told by others with axes to grind. So it was quite traumatic, forced and premature and no doubt wasn’t a help to those going through difficult teenage years. This would be evident on our arrival back in Brisbane. However it was now done and that was that.

I took a job selling trashy chains from a box in a department store, from which I graduated to working with a company selling consumer products. I made it to Sales Manager in about three months before they went broke on me. So here I was in my perennial Vancouver situation, broke and unemployed.

My son Brendan had decided to go back to Australia for a while, as he had had wished to return, especially as his brother was getting engaged, and I thought it may be a good idea to remove our daughter from the negative influences in Vancouver. My son had been excited about returning when I was down there. So we headed off to Brisbane again, in summer 1990. I was persona non grata at the insurance company, due to my quitting the previous year, was excluded from University, and we arrived smack in the middle of the 1990/1991 recession. The kids played up a fair bit, with regard to school attendance. (It may have been easier if Joan had come down at the same time).

As I said Brigid was the only person in the entire family to not cause grief of some kind. Brigid however, was on the receiving end of much trouble in her life. I ended up being a canvass manager and salesman for a home improvement company, but due to the recession, business was slack. Jean had a job at Gloria Marshall's diet centres and was doing very well, even offered her own Centre. Being overweight isn't effected by recessions, it seems. However Jean's mum was calling saying she isn't well and has a cold and such stuff, and what should she do, even though she had a husband right there. So it was obvious to me that Jean wanted to go back to Canada,earlier than planeed. I didn't really want to return, so fast. For I knew the recession would end soon enough. So reluctantly, I thought perhaps I'll go to Florida again, (in the winter months), but it was all pipe dreams, and this is how I always motivated myself to go to Canada. Canada always meant Vancouver, which, was not a place I had much success in, other Provinces perhaps, but we didn't live in them.

As usual my employment in Vancouver was seasonal and insecure and I was back in my position with no contacts. Jean got a job in sales, with a school company. She did well initially, but it didn't last, and she was fired for not selling enough. So we were not doing any good at all, in Vancouver. We were far better off in Brisbane, Calgary, anywhere. Jean was near her Mum but I was broke with no light at the end of the tunnel, and there was no money for anything, never mind helping the kids in college. Eventually after going to school, Jean got a job as a medical secretary, but her income was only one quarter of what mine would have been with the insurance company, to start with. I made several trips to Australia, introducing new products, like the 3D Prints, but only in the Christmas season. Full time employment seemed to have permanently receded, so now I would write, and work from time to time. In a way Jean had an excuse to be angry, for I had been a drunk for ten years then a cult member for another fifteen, so I probably was considered unreliable. I suppose I could say 'pain may be obligatory, suffering isn't'.

I spotted a 'Names' franchise in the Mall, and was interested in getting it down to Australia. I negotiated with the owner but he went ahead and moved to Australia himself. So later that year, I took the franchise to Sydney and set up booths in the Town Hall Station and the Markets. We did very well, people must like knowing what their names mean, unfortunately our expenses in rent and computer equipment were quite expensive. I managed to sell one franchise and hope to sell more, but I had to return to Canada. This was always the problem, of living in Vancouver and trying to earn a living in Australia.

Jean and her Mum visit me in Australia.

So I spent part of every year in Australia to make a sufficient income, being self-employed.So I put 3D prints on the map in Australia and the Names Franchises.

I carried on writing and visiting Australia and the U.K. Joan did come down to Australia, with her mother, whilst I was there, on her way back from New Zealand. They also visited Dan and Peta and the kids for a birthday party but were not made to feel overly welcome. In fact they left them sitting in a corner by themselves and would not help them get transport back to town and it was a Sunday.. I think she was worried about Dam and family going back to Canada and she was extremely overly possessive about the grandchildren. Joannie and her Mum then went up to Queensland to visit the second oldest daughter and her kids up there, as well before returning.,

We managed to survive that one as well, and I decided to go to India again. Once again I was relying on the Guru as the pillar in my life. I visited Sai Baba's Ashram, and Mysore and generally enjoyed the whole trip. On return to Vancouver my attempts at employment came to nought again, so I started planning the next product and trip to Australia. The year was pretty uneventful, except that the family was going through marriages.

One day Jean called me at home and asked me to go to her mother's for it seemed Wally had died. When I arrived he was on the floor with paramedics around him. They asked who I was and I explained, that I was the son-in-law. They then informed me that he was dead. I went and looked and talked a little in his ear and said a few prayers. He actually had a happy smile on his face, and I thought he can travel anywhere now, and perhaps he was with his beloved dog 'Lady'. Jean's Mum, Doris was handling it all very well and was chatting to the police officers, telling them how she still goes out dancing every week, and Wally stayed at home, and how she is a film extra, (It probably had not struck her). They were sitting with the most incredulous expressions on the faces, in silence. Wally's body, was still lying on the floor in the hallway. Even though I had my problems with Wally, re; paying for a divorce behind my back, I still had a respect for his war service. He was a sad man really, he always wanted to go down to Arizona for the winter, but Jean's mum would not move at all, for whatever reason. Eventually he got to a point where he was sick, and moving, except to the V.A. Hospital, was out of the question. I felt sad for him at Christmas and other celebrations, for wasn't invited to any family events. I often asked why and,Jean's mum said he didn't want to come but I wondered, especially as Brigid Patricia used to get on well with him. Why would he want to sit at home alone at Christmas and birthdays?

I talked to the policeman about him, talked of his war service in Europe and how he was shot down in the Pacific. Soon enough his body was removed. They didn't want us to view the removal but it wouldn't have mattered.

We then had to organise his funeral, on my birthday, which was a pretty basic, no frills, cremation and speech by a clergyman, sounding like a record. Wally's friends took his ashes and scattered them on the North Shore Mountains. The funeral lunch at the White Spot was pretty quiet, and that was the end of Wally, except for the pensions that he left behind. These pensions enabled Doris to live, more than comfortably, and take many overseas trips and vacations, to Cyprus, England, South Africa. She was really moving around now, all around the world. Even paying for Joan and herself to go on long trips to Australia, and New Zealand, and Alaskan and Caribbean cruises even. (Wally himself had the Wedding Reception at the Captain's Table in Bellingham .W.A. amongst the big boots and plaids of the timber workers. So I suppose the White Spot was a step up.) (Jean's Mum died in february 2013 at 97, and we had a nice memorial and lunch at the Hart House. She was not in good shape and was going backwards and forwards from hospital to the nursing home she had just move into).I knew that I would never move back to Australia with Jean, so I settled for trips occasionally to make some money, and visit family. I took up writing in the meantime but there was a lot of talk of me being an unemployed person, and why didn't I work for the basic wage. There were many young people to do these jobs, anyway, and I felt that I could do better than that. Even if it meant leaving the country for long periods of time. My efforts at job search had not been the most successful events of my life either, and the jobs I did get seemed not to be that secure or last long. I managed to get a cosmetic deal together for the next year, but it failed due to the production factory in Sydney being too slow, and missing Christmas. 'Bath Bombs' became a rage after that, but I was the first one into Australia with them. So on returning to Vancouver, I was not in a good financial position, and no prospects in Canada. So I taught myself to type and then started writing my books. After we got a computer, I even managed to get articles published on the Internet. I also got a partial contribution to a joint book published also. We also did some fostering and taking in ‘home-stay; students. I also did some financial consulting and other self-employed deals.

We took out citizenship,in Canada, finally, and even bought a house with lovely trees and bushes in the yard. We technically had never left Canada, as we were only really visiting overseas,temporarily during the season, and had not given up our connections in Vancouver.

I had not given up all desire to go to wintering in Florida. I did visit on holidays and I still love the people. Life in Vancouver travelled along as usual, and I made some trips to the UK and Ireland to see my mother and family. Back at home Bernadette got married and eventually after a couple of miscarriages had a baby boy, in 2005. Unfortunately we didn’t get to see him much in the first few months for one reason and another. I ended up getting into fund broking, historical bond sales and ppp..

We eventually sold the house and bought an apartment in Abbotsford BC,a beautiful place of lakes and mountains, and another in Sunrise Florida. So now we live six months in Canada and winter for six months of the year in Broward County, Florida and we really love it...So I finally realised the dream of living half the time in the United States....Florida particularly....Later moving back to Australia, which was lucky as I contracted cancer and I could get the best treatment.

After more nonsense....and recognising the futility of human existence, I entered 'Life Two'In 1984/5 I took up meditation,stopped drinking, followed Eastern Advaita Vedanta Yoga Philosophy. I had finally and irrevocably got beyond religion, but it took a lot of my life to get rid of the early indoctrination and programming. I had become a different person altogether....!! Except for a few false starts, like following a fake guru for a time, I settled into a new life number two, and a spiritual path of my own.Ultimately in this dream of life it is ourselves that we do all to...

Note 1*.

FATHER: In 1992 Jean thought it may be a good idea if I went and visited my family in the U.K. So I took a plane to London's Heathrow and bussed it up to a friend's place just outside of London. I called my father from there and told him that I would be coming up on the train the next day. I must say he did not seem terribly excited about my visit, and I was rather surprised about that. He met me at the train station for Penmaenmawr and we drove to his home. His home was a stone house at the bottom of a feol or hill. I hadn't seen my father for about fourteen years, although we had corresponded quite regularly. As a result of this my mother had not visited me in Canada, although she had visited my sister. In fact at this time she was not talking to me at all. So I suppose having a parent to talk to was important. My father had had several heart attacks and we had prayed for him at Swara, when I was in Brisbane.( I was still a Sai Baba follower at this time. I met Anne for the second time and she seemed to be a friendly person and I quite liked her. I also met my half-sister Damienne again and my brother Anand and sister Marie, both Indians, whom my father had adopted. My father and I had many discussions about religion and of course Sai Baba. I had sent him many books on Vedanta but I don't think that they had made an impression yet. Many of them obviously had not been read at all. One particular problem we discussed was the fact that one has to get over the mind. Dad had a problem with this for he had the very western belief of the mind being everything. Also he had become a Priest in the Liberal Catholic Church and this had taken his mind back to Fundamental Catholicism. So there had been a great change since we discussed the Huna and other things. Consequently I was not getting very far in my discussions, so I decided to enjoy my stay and visit what I could. I climbed up the hills and visited the "Druid's Circle', and even meditated there. I took my mind back and could imagine the people who used the place. I saw a great procession of somekind and a celebration, many of the females were wearing white gowns. After this I went to another hill and sat on the top and meditated. Whilst doing this I had contact with some kind of Welsh Speaking Spirit. All it said to me was "Clwyd Bach", and I had no idea what that meant. I asked my father who speaks Welsh and he said that it meant a small gateway, or opening. So whether I had a small opening or there was a psychic gate there I don't know. Although it was on a "Ley Line", or energy line and it was in a direct line to the Isle of Anglesey or Mona, which was the old University of the Druids, for the whole of Europe, until it was destroyed by the Romans. Many of the Druid sites still exist in this part of Snowdonia and there is a Roman road as well. Some circles in Britain go back five thousand years, concurrent with Krishna. I believe that the original inhabitants of Britain ,the Iberians, were of Atlantean origin and the Druids were the Brahmins of this society. One particular recent find was that under a stone circle there was another wooden one from over five thousand years ago. It was the length of a football field in diameter and there was a surrounding moat or ditch that was about five metres deep. There were nine concentric circles made of oak, the posts were a metre thick and a metre apart. This was a temple of some kind and obviously the people of that time were not uncultured savages, but spiritual people with a agriculturally based society. Anyway I left my father's place in order to visit my brother in England and to see Liverpool again. During this visit I had the opportunity to visit my childhood friend John Clark. I did the nostalgia trip for a week then decided to head up to see Eilish and my relatives. I had written stuff about Swami and had sent books as well. Especially to my uncle Ted, who was a Catholic Priest. Well on arrival I got the impression they thought I was going to try and convert them from Catholicism. Nothing could be further from the truth and as soon as the inquisition started I refused to be drawn in and changed the subject. They asked me what I thought of the movie "Ghost Story" and I said I thought it was good. Eilish also said people would be surprised at the kind of books she read. My visit was short and I didn't go to the stone circle nearby or climb my hill. This would be the last time I saw Eilish, Gregg or Ted alive, They were all dead within a few short years, it seems I was on a goodbye trip. I said goodbye without being able to talk much about Swami and made my way back down to Liverpool and then to Wales. My father had a book someone had given him about Shirdi Baba and he gave it to me,which I was happy to receive. I said goodbye leaving him with food for thought about Baba, which would eventually lead him to India and an interview with Swara. I returned to London and did the tourist thing but I also visited my old area in Paddington and Notting Hill Gate. The slum that I first lived in had been replaced by apartments for the poorer and old and was run by the Church. My second apartment was still there on Westbourne Grove over an antique shop, now a grocery, by the old Post Office. Unfortunately the next year my daughter visited my father and some other relatives and it was not a success, She was told she was worshipping the Devil and she was taunted about being a vegetarian,by my father. This caused a new rift between my father and I but I continued to send a birthday and christmas cards including a letter. This was after receiving a letter from him headed up as the "Last letter to the Corinthians", and putting down Patricia fairly badly. This was in response to a letter of complaint from me. Especially about some problems she had with him and an Uncle of mine. (This Uncle was listening outside my daughter’s and friend’s bedroom door and they caught him at it.) He was the same old arrogant self that I remembered, from when I was a child. I returned the letter to my half-sister, which may not have been a wise thing to do, but it was the best way of explaining the new situation. I didn't completely break with him for I wished to do the right thing even if he didn't.My Father,continuation. I received a, surprise, card from my father in 1995,from the Ashram. I hadn't heard from him for some time. It seemed a local group were going to Goa,on a Christian pilgrimage, for whatever reason and this provided my father and his wife Anne an opportunity to visit the Ashram. They visited for a few days but came away unconvinced. For that was what my father wrote on a card to me anyway. However he told my brother that he thought Sai Baba was a Holy Man working for God, and that was the extent of his belief at this time. He observed the ‘manifestation’ of Vibhuti, and saw an American woman who had been crippled but was cured. So now he didn't believe Swami was a fake.(Unfortunately to both of us Sai Baba was big fake.) I realise that it is very hard for someone at that age to turn their belief systems upside down. Although he had served in India and I had sent many books on Swami and Vedanta plus I had visited him in Wales and there was of course Amie's miracle. I think Amie's miracle got him motivated to go to the Ashram and find out more about Swami. I don't think it was me for we only corresponded a couple of times a year and I didn't even know he was going to India.As luck would have it my father and Anne went again the next year and spent ten days on the Ashram in a new apartment. When Swami went down to Whitefield they followed Him down there, with their group. They were staying at a hotel, in town and visiting Brindavan by taxi, everyday.One particular day their group was called in for an interview. During this interview Swami came up to my father and told him to put his hand out. Swami then 'materialised' Vibhuti into my father's hand and told him to eat it there and then.(Eat the medicine?) He then moved over to the ladies'side and “materialised” a diamond ring for Anne! My father asked Swami to bless a ring he had bought and Swami said that He would make him a much better ring in the future. Swami also told him that His house was your house and to come again the next year.My father is a Priest in the Liberal Catholic Church, but that is only a recent change, and of only limited opportunity for any activity. Anne is a devoted Catholic and does a lot of work for the local Church in North Wales, especially with regard to music and the choir.They also had adopted two Indian children and had raised them as their own. They are my brother Nandi and my sister Marie, both grown and have children of their own now. Also my half sister Damienne has a child also. I talked to my father and Anne and they seemed still very excited about the events. Although my father said that Swami was still a mystery to him, which he is to all of us as well.( I was totally unaware, as was my father, that Sai Baba was a fraud and a pedophile.) It is interesting that my father was a captain in the Indian Army and that Anne's grandfather was from Kashmir. No doubt they are all part of a Karmic web. My father is going again to see BABA in January 1998 perhaps he will get his ring in this lifetime, or something more valuable than any "calling card."As it happened he didn't get his ring but Swami did notice him and said to him,"I know you and you are welcome here."(The fellow next to my father had to translate it for Swami talked in Telegu.)Shortly on return to the U.K. he was diagnosed with inoperable double lung cancer. Swami had let him complete the last visit to Prashanti in seemingly good health. When I heard of his illness I called him and Anne and arranged to stay a week with them. Which my father said would be nice. I really couldn't afford the fare even but we borrowed the money. Also I still had an arm broken in two places so I would be forgoing some physio-therapy,at a crucial time. I was advised to delay my trip by two weeks ,if I could. However, I thought it was more important to spend this week or so with my father. I suppose I felt I could help him by answering any questions about Vedanta and Swami, as I had a lot more time as a devotee. Joyce at the Vancouver Centre gave me some literature on dying consciously by a Sai Devotee Dr.Reyes.On arrival in the U.K., I called them up and told them that my brother Paul would be bringing me over. Well what a surprise I was met with a lot of excuses why I couldn't now stay a week. Although my sister and others were allowed to stay. I must say I was quite shocked after coming seven thousand miles, and no doubt felt somewhat rejected, or at least misled. I also felt that they should have called me in Canada and let me know the true situation. (However when I did go over I found them in a certain amount of denial.)He was aware he had a terminal illness but he thought he would live with it for some long time, and had been to a herbalist. Anne told us that Dad was a lot sicker than what he thought. At lunch he said that he would like to go back to Prashanti for he felt the pull. It was the internal pull of the Atma of course. Anne told him that perhaps they would go back for a visit to India,for they were enjoying the annual trip. He told me that he may last three years or more but I didn't think that he would last a month. He had lost about a third of his body weight and was obviously dying, even if he didn't accept it. He looked exactly like my daughter Bernadette had described him a year previously when she had a vision of him. She said that she had dreamed,(more likely an out of body experience,) going over to his house and putting energy into his chest, for he was ill there, and that he was walking around in the house with a walking stick. I wrote and told him this and warned him about his chest and he wrote back and said he didn't use a walking stick. Bernadette had seen the future and here I was seeing her dream in reality, walking stick as well. Bernadette is very psychic of course and does Reiki as well.I suppose that when a person is dying, unless they have completely surrendered, there will be fear and a lack of control. My father was in control all his life but he could not control this event. As for all of us the Ego shows its weakness when we are dying for it cannot control the process or avoid it. It shows itself as an illusion at last, just a mental construct we so love to identify with. Another problem my father may have had was that I may have been a living reminder of his life with myself, my sisters, brother and my mother, which was a most unhappy life, but not singularly due to him. So there may have been fear and guilt involved as well, who knows? It is something that we all have to face I suppose. However I won't try and work out how people think at times like this, Anne must have been overwhelmed, with grief and worry and neither of them knew me that well, otherwise they would know that I would not say anything to hurt anyone. We only corresponded a few times a year and that was mostly about Sai Baba. So perhaps they felt that this was their personal thing and that I need not be involved. It may have been very difficult for Anne if my father couldn't hang on to some hope, however illusory. Also I wasn't the only one that wasn't allowed to stay too long, my stepbrother Anand and a grandchild were not allowed to visit on the fatal weekend. However I would have appreciated them calling me before I got on the plane in Canada thinking I was going to be staying with them. In fact if I hadn’t got my Uncle Larry to call them, I may not have seen them at all. It was a most trying and upsetting time for me. My sister in Canada did not feel that she could visit him, due to the past and the fact he had not resolved anything with her, but my other sister did as she was visiting Ireland at the time anyway. My younger brother, Paul, lived locally so he of course visited. He was only a small child when my father left home, so he had no baggage so to speak.Anyway I stayed at my brother's house and did the tourist thing, visiting my old friend John Clark and others. I also visited the house in Ellesmere Port where my mother and father set up house. I had not been there since I was five years old, fifty years before, but I found the house quite easily. The memory was not that good about the house or the time I spent there. Also I thought about the state of my father now and hoped that he had changed. No doubt he had changed somewhat, and perhaps the last year with Swami would do that. The field where I was trampled by the horse was now a public housing estate. I did find the church where I had given back my orthopaedic boots to God though. I was quite surprised that I remembered all these things from my childhood, for I could have only been four years of age. Fortunately I had the opportunity to go and visit my father, at his home in North Wales and give him some of my tapes and articles, particularly on the dead Eilish, and a chapter from Dr Reyes book on dying, which in fact I gave to his wife Anne. I only had a few minutes alone with him and the conversation was pointed but concise. I said, "You know it is not you that is sick but only your body?". He answered in the affirmative and then I went on to explain that he was paying off a lot of karma and that was also God's Grace. He brought up the fact that he still didn't have the ring that Swami had promised him. He mentioned Eilish and I told him that I had talked to her after she died. So I got the distinct impression that he would have liked to have asked me some questions. I also asked him which was his favourite God form, Jesus, Mary or Whatever? I said that he had only been with Sai a short time and the other names were probably more ingrained in his subconscious. He said that both Sai and Jesus were his God Forms. So at this stage he was still going through the transfer process. Anyway we chatted away, and he asked me again was I employed, which I wasn't, and before I left I shook his hand and said goodbye without any problems. He passed over only two days after I returned to Canada, about three weeks later without resolving anything. In fact the day before he left the body he appeared in my room as I lay on my bed. He was in his subtle body, but weakly, for it was the subtle plane, and I cannot remember what he said exactly but it was positive and a thank you. He also appeared to Bernadette the same evening, in a dream, and showed himself writing a letter or card to me, the card had flowers on it and he wrote on the left hand side of the pages. He wasn't a traveler so I knew he must be dead or close to it, for people tend to travel at this time. The next morning my brother called to say Dad was dead, I said, "I know". He died at about nine fifteen in the morning, or about eight hours ahead of Vancouver time, on the 5th of July. So his visits were in the last hours of his earthly life. He died in his sleep ,which is a blessing with this kind of illness. My sister Damienne noticed his irregular breathing and thought he was in trouble but it may have been his death breathing taking place, as he shifted his consciousness. So Anne said that they should wake him and give him some medicine. Whilst they went down to get his medicine, he left the body! Later that morning I was in the bathroom shaving and listening to bhajans, when I heard my father speaking to me. He was saying," It is very windy here, there is a big wind here, also it is very dark". I told him that he was in the Bardo and that it was the winds of Karma.(It could also have been the disintegration of the body and inner breathing, but that was too complicated to explain and if he was disengaged from the body completely it probably was the winds of karma.) I told him that he should think of Jesus.

I called Anne and my sister Damienne and offered my condolences and told them about the after death experiences with my father, perhaps knowing he was happy and with 'God' would help them. Damienne said that even though he was undemonstrative he had said he loved them both, sometime before his death. Which is something he had never told me in my life, although he would put it on the bottom of a letter. However 'God ''changes everybody eventually, I am a prime example myself. My last thought on this was that I felt sorry for my father not angry and I try not to judge him. Although, I did spend a couple of weeks going over things in my mind. Thinking not of what happened but rather what could have happened.My father's body was buried as a Roman Catholic, even though he was a "Liberal Catholic" Priest associated with the Theosophical Society, and in the end didn't attend any Church,(His mother was Jewish, which would make him so as well).Much later I started to think and learn, without any emotional distraction, and I believe that when a person is diagnosed with terminal cancer the first stage they go through is denial or disbelief that it has happened. Then the mental condition progresses to a bargaining stage where they bargain with God if only He would cure them. This of course usually doesn't work and then they progress to the third stage of anger. This achieves nothing so the next stage is depression and acceptance. At this stage it is the weakness of the child that is dominant all the power of the middle of life has gone; the circle is almost complete. There is now only God,and it is God's opportunity, for God does not enter where there is "demonstrative power". For that is a manifestation of the Ego. I don't know how far into this process my father got before he died in his sleep, but I feel that he probably completed the process. Although I only witnessed the early stages, his wife and daughter did experience the latter stage, it seems: For he did say he loved them both and as my sister said,"he wasn't usually demonstrative".

KALAHARI SAN BUSHMAN SAYING.

"Somewhere there is a dream dreaming us."

Sai Baba was a conjurer and fooled many people, perhaps due to some high profile people endorsing him.....My experience with him is typical of the psychology of the human mind and seemed to be par for the course in my development...

Wherever I mention 'God' anywhere I mean the 'Life-Force' everything is.I do not believe in a separate intervening Personal God.

FELIX BRENNAN.