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"Teenage Years"   The lesson in hiding mental illness... Her mother said Rosetta, she's not well you know, you'll find out ".   Abandoned to our own devices.In fact I was lied to about this for the entire marriage, which set up lots of problems.

 

       Whilst I was still at school,( 16 years old), I started going out with girls, just to movies, school dances and to the beach.  I can remember meeting many girls at the Hoylake Baths, such as the dark Noeleen and her friends.  My first date, from there, was with a certain Barbara Lan, quite a lovely girl. Unfortunately I didn’t have much in respect to street clothes, so I turned up in my school blazer. Which didn’t win any kudos, as she asked me, why I had turned up like that, to see an X rated movie.  Well I had no answer to that, and I think her mother worked at the theatre as well.  I plucked up a little courage in the movies to give her a kiss. It was only a little peck and no doubt she was disappointed, but I had a little problem of a pimple on my lip, which slowed me down.  Well I was getting pimple everywhere it seemed; on my back and shoulders and on my face as well.. My father and mother argued loudly about who was responsible for giving me pimples. She was obviously really pissed off and took it all as an insult, and that was the end of that affair. The pictures, or flics, as we called them, were the place to take a girl, for it was dark and you could snog in the back row.  The back seats were known as the ‘Swimming Pool’. Or so the wag’s joke went. That was the common wisdom anyway. Another girl that I liked, Diane Wrigley, I took to Hilbre Island in the Dee. Many kids took their girls there, and you could see them in the summer, walking over the sand, at low tide. It was sunburn and hanky-panky island, but I got nowhere there either. She was a nice girl from West Kirby, but she was taller than I, at this time. At fifteen I was rather stunted and immature. I did have a few meetings or days with her though. My first attempt at a date with her was comical. I arranged with my friend Neil Collier, whose father owned the shop, to go with me to West Kirby.  On arrival Neil knocked on the door and the mother answered. She mistook Neil for me, Ant, for he was actually more, mature and looked a lot older than I did. I think she thought I was a little boy, who came along for the ride. On another occasion Neil had made a date with Peter McFarlan’s sister and he had invited me along. I knew Peter from my class at school, and this was how Neil had met his sister.  I had no real street gear, so I used to wear one of my father’s silver ties, that I had purloined and my blue Mac, and that was my street clothes. However my forays into the world of dating, had not been very successful so far. Having no clothes and no money was a decided disadvantage.

 

 Eventually started going out with a girl, Rosetta, we shall call her, Rose,for short, I had seen working in a tobacconists shop, her family owned. Danny Evans shop, in fact he owned the whole block and the vacant block and the vacant block next door. I used to go in there, for the newspaper and cigarettes, after Mass on Sundays. I got my little friend Bruce to take a note into her at Christmas time, asking her out. She said yes, but it was yes to Bruce’s older brother, John, who was of course my best friend.  I had to go in myself to explain that it was me, who had written the note. That seemed to be alright, she didn’t seem to be going out with anybody at the time.She was very pretty, some may say beautiful, knew all the dances and pop songs, and that was all teenagers talked about in those days...Which was good as Rhi couldn't finish or handle school apparently, and had some intellectual problems. (I was attracted to her black black hair as I had known since 1953 that I would one day be attracted to a  Spanish looking girl. I remember discussing this in the school yard with my friends when I was about ten years of age. This turned to be rather premature as I didn't meet the Spanish looking girl for many years yet, who happened to be born in 1953. Rose just had dark hair that is all, and I was attracted to her as a female because of the problems with my mother, where I probably felt rejected in some way).

 

We went mostly to weekend dances, at a dance hall called "The Grange" which I enjoyed, for it was early days in pop music. (Well after a few beers I enjoyed it all.) We also went to the school dances as well, which were quite good and most of the boys went along.  It's strange how compatibility for teenagers amounts to sharing the same music and peer group interests.  We shared the Everley Brothers, Connie Francis, Gene Vincent, Marty Wilde, Cliff Richards and many others. This was interspersed with the occasional coach trip to sights around the North of England and Wales. She had been out with quite a few boys, some I knew, so probably could navigate the relationship better than I. For I had only been out with a couple of girls, and the most exciting thing I had done with them was to go to the pictures and the beach on Hilbre Island.  However she was my female company and no doubt filled some emotional substitute need, at the time. I actually think we were both on the rebound, from emotional problems.  My family situation, and her ‘special problems.’ She was quite a pretty girl, not very tall and had black hair, which is what attracted me to her, For I had always known that I would be attracted to women with black hair.  She also was very quiet and didn't talk much, and seemed to have some intellectual problem. Although, she had occasional outbursts of inexplicable behaviour, where she could chatter on quite well.

      One day she decided that we would visit her friend, "Denny", down on the Leasowe Road,Liscard.  We rode on our bicycles to Wallasey and were greeted on our arrival by the mother.  She said, as soon as she saw Rosetta, "Are you better now?" Rosetta answered, "yes".  I was introduced to Denny, on entering the house and then they retired to a closed room.  The mother sat and talked to me but it was a strange conversation, for I didn't understand what she was talking about.  After she realised that I wasn't privy to the information she then changed the subject.  Denny was in the "convalescent" home, or hospital, with Rosetta , when she was fifteen, which was obviously treatment for some episode due to a breakdown and depressive mental condition. We were only sixteen at this time anyway. This was the start of the "Dark Secret", "the skeleton in the closet" that was to rule our lives.  This convalescent home, of course was a 'private psychiatric hospital' or live in clinic for patients being treated for mental disorders and depressions.This of course explained to me why her grandmother used to stand catatonically staring at the customers from behind the counter in the shop, and was eventually institutionalised.

 

We used to do a lot of coach trips to different places in Britain.  These trips were paid for, by her parents, who seemed to think that it was a good idea.  They were in business and probably received some kind of ticket discount.  We went to Wales and to the Lake District, and other places like Blackpool.  On one trip we went to the ‘Peak District’, of Derbyshire and visited the ‘Speedwell Caverns’.  Rosetta was too paranoid to go in and take the trip inside the caves.  So she stayed on the bus with all the rest of the snoggers and boozers.  Inside the cavern we had to sit in a flat bottom boat that was propelled by two men, lying on their backs and pushing against the ceiling.  It was quite an experience seeing the old workings and the bottomless pit and a few other things like stalactites and stalagmites.  On return to the bus, Rosetta was sitting in the back with one of the lads and seemed to have had a few drinks.  I didn’t think anything of it at the time, but the lad was quite hostile to me, for no apparent reason.  He was a little older than the rest of us also, and dressed in a suit.  We then took the bus into Buxton, where we all stayed at the pub.  I got drunk, for I wasn’t much of a drinker, and was sick all the way home.  This about ended the excursions by coach!

I remember going to the school dances which were always a good hop...Most of the lad would go down to the pub for a few drinks and then come back up to the dance at the assembly hall. Rosetta used to stay behind and dance with the girls and the wimpy guys, who didn't come down the pub. After leaving one evening she told me that we should break up, which was a surprise to me..Anyway we talked it through on the  bus home and settled the matter in favour of the status quo pro tempo. She seemed to in a sort of depressed state as well. I found out later she had agreed to go out with Tom Drennan who was a wimpy guy in my school form...5A..He later boasted about it in class about how my girlfriend was soon to have a new friend. It didn't happen for him of course but remembered him for it..One day I wrote something on the blackboard...'up the rebels' he didn't like. So he got up to wipe it off and I ended up grabbing him and throwing him across a few desks, accompanied by the cheers of my classmates..So this was normal behaviour for Rosetta who had dozens of boyfriends before  me and didn't seem to be able to settle into one relationship for any extended period of time, without diversions. Loyalty was not built into her make up and it was all part and parcel of her mental condition.So the relationship had a permanent casual nature, as far as Rosetta was concerned and I just took it day by day.

 

        I eventually finished school at age sixteen, failed my exams, didn't get enough GCEs, and had to re-pass them, and started work at Swift & Co, the meat packers, as a clerk.  I was soon sacked from that job, for taking too long a lunch hour and not being a good counter.  I then moved to Cadbury's in Moreton and I worked as a production worker until I sat my Civil Service Exam.  I did well at the factory and I was selected for "The Outward Bounds Course," in Cumbria.  I also attended Liverpool Art College, famous for Lennon and McCartney. (I attended part-time, at Within's Lane Campus.) Cadbury’s was owned by the Quakers and they were quite enlightened for that time, so I was given a day off a week to go to school and I also went to night-school.  I retook my exams and passed in the November of 1959.  The factory was something else, and was it hard, but was it fun. You had to watch out for the girls, or they would get you in the store, and pull your pants off.  I was restricted, most of the time to making half a pound milk tray boxes, so there wasn’t much chance of me getting in on that act. I also worked on the corrugated paper machine, and in fact designed a special wooden knife for cleaning off the end product. I was given #2 from the suggestion box for that idea.  My wages weren’t much more than #4 a week anyway. However with overtime and production or piece rate bonus, they could be higher. Every week, with our wages we could order bags of spoilt chocolates, so I was the hero of the street.  My workmates were an eclectic lot, an ex Royal Navy guy, who was my chargehand, another guy, who had been a foreman at a brake company, a retired soldier, and some young fellows just out of school, like myself.  We were all told we could aspire to become the Senior Foreman, like Irish Doherty and his deputy, who happened also to be his son  in law.  We had a fair bit of fun, for they played the radio over the P.A. system.  This allowed us to sing along with all the pop songs.  They had a youth club as well, which we used to go to.  The other youth club we went to was the Methodist Club, next to their Church.  My girlfriend Rosetta and her shop workmate, Sandra, used to come as well. One day, some lad came up to me and challenged me to a fight.  This wasn’t that an unusual event, so I obliged. I sent my girlfriend home and met the lad, Willy Picton, outside. He got first swing in and bloodied my nose, and bruised me. I realised then that I was going to be in trouble. So being from Merseyside, I knew exactly what to do, so I backed up and landed a couple kicks to his balls. That more or less sorted him out, but I wasn’t finished yet. Then two of the methodist people came out and grabbed him and myself. However I managed to break free, and went in and gave him a couple of good head butts. Then it was over, although I was still in the mood to finish him. Rosetta’s brother Danny, who was a good fighter, was holding my coat, so I went home with him and his friend, Brocky, to get cleaned up. I had a nice belt, with rows of decorative studs, that I had taken off, and Willy and his friends stole it.

 

The next week, Sandra’s boyfriend Tommy came down with his brother, from the Woodchurch Estate, to the club. He brought some mates and they were a tough bunch, they bailed up the whole of Willy’s gang, and gave them no time to return my belt. The next week it was returned to me, without a word. Nobody picked on us again in that club. I wouldn’t have wanted Tommy’s brother after me, for he was a real hard man and had done time already. It was all quite embarrassing really, but Tommy was sticking up for his girlfriend’s mate essentially.

       Around about this time my girlfriend fell pregnant, she was actually five months gone, when she fully realised it.  Which was a bit late to tell me about that . The Doctor knowing her mental condition informed her parents, who in turn informed my mother.  I received a call to go home as my mother has had an accident.  As I neared my house I saw the Father Haa’s Evans'car, he was my mother’s ‘friend’.  My mother played badminton with him and some of my old teachers, such as Gerry Wade, who liked my art work in primary school.  I then knew that my mother was not ill and this was some kind of ruse.  It was almost an accident that this day had arrived for we had both tried to split up at different times, myself most recently.

       Although , some weeks earlier, Rosetta had split up with me, and gone out with some previous boyfriend, Goeff Berry.(Strangely enough my sister Maureen went out with the same boy some years later). 

Rosetta had a lot of boyfriends before me she told me. She then turned up on my doorstep, confessing all this and I just let it pass over and we continued on as usual; Shades of things to come! I wasn't really sure how I felt about the situation at all. I suppose the casualness of it all on my part indicated a lack of any deep attachment. My mother was surprised that I took her back after that but to me it was just an incident with no deep meaning or affect on me. This was after she attended ‘Health and Beauty Classes’, for she was gaining weight, of course she was.  She of course was pregnant, but I was not told at the time she came back.  I wonder if she would have returned if she wasn't pregnant?  I was only informed when I told her I thought we should split up, again.  She answered by saying "Its too late now I'm pregnant." Which really wasn't a shock ,for I had really guessed the situation even, if I hadn't admitted it to myself.  It was obviously not our Karma and we had to see something through, from a previous lifetime.  We were both on the rebound from other problems anyway, which included mine but her's were far more complicated. My worries shaded into insignificance in comparison with hers. I think that we were both trying to fill a hole that existed in our lives.  (They say children from broken homes try to recreate an idylic relationship. Although, Rosetta didn't come from a broken home.) My parents had been distracted by their own rowing and marital problems, which affected me, but Rosetta's problems were far worse. Also by this time my father had been long gone from the family and the town, and was working somewhere near Manchester. Unfortunately our parting was not pleasant for we had a fight. He really hadn't been at home for years anyway, and lived in digs in Manchester. So he really was just facing the facts as they were. That is, the fact there was no marriage and home life was miserable, to which he added his own contribution.  I did not miss him or his austere disciplinarian rule at all. He favoured my sister Therese and didn't like Maureen Henrietta at all for some strange reason.

      Rosetta already been in a hospital-clinic due to a "nervous mental episode breakdown" at fifteen years of age, and had missed a lot of schooling.  I was too naive to pursue it any further and accepted it at face value.  (In fact it wasn't until many years later when I could examine my life in retrospect and compare her condition with my depressive-schizophrenic daughter's that all became clear to me.) However for most of my life with Rosetta I was confused and bewildered and didn't know what was really happening except that it was all beyond me. I'm still amazed how naive I was, perhaps I wasn't supposed to realise what was happening in order that I live it through.  Her family was from North Wales and Liverpool and owned a shop. Grandma was a bit strange and used to have catatonic fits in the shop. I used to try and talk to her but I thought she didn't like me and that was why she stood and stared. Eventually she was institutionalised and nothing more was said about her. Her name was Rosetta as well, and naming a child after a mad,or young death, relative would never be done in Irish families, as it would bring bad luck or the same disease, or so the superstition goes.There had been an Uncle who had the same condition apparently...Uncle Jack and he topped himself,plus there was another relative in the same generation as her uncle who was ill.

     Rosetta used to go to "Piano Lessons," every Monday, and I was not allowed to accompany her, which I found a little annoying.  One day I followed her down there, to Upton Road, but I couldn't hear any music.  Outside on the wall were copper plaques indicating some kind of medical mental professionals.  When I asked Rosetta about it she told me, she was doing theory that day.Her father used to say that she always had to go to her 'music lessons' no matter what.She was obviously going to the psychiatrist of course...but I didn't think much more of it at the time being only 16 years old.

Anyway back to my call home from the factory. As soon as I entered the house it was on.  Father Evans --Haa, standing there demanding that I apologise to my mother, and what was I going to do about it. I did apologise to my mother, who was most upset about the situation.  The fact that Rosetta was a Protestant didn't help either.  In those days, we would have to get married for there was no real alternative.  For otherwise Rosetta would have to go into a Church Home for girls, scrubbing floors and being mistreated, and the baby be adopted out. This is what Rosetta told me her fate would be anyhow, and after my experiences with religious schools I believed that would be true.  Also what about the baby, she was my child, and I felt responsible. If the baby was adopted out, we would never know it and that would be terrible. Also in the context of the times, 1959, this whole scene was regarded as a big shame, and young people ‘had to get married’.

The Priest threatened me about leaving The Church but it just went over my head,that was the least of my worries now.  He actually said that he would beat me up, if I left. Father Haa Evans was not a really pleasant guy...he had been thrown out of houses for trying to chat up the young girls living in them, and I didn’t like the close relationship/affair he had with my mother.

       We had a meeting with Rosetta's parents, where the decision to marry was organised. We joined the ranks of those that ‘had to get married’. During the meeting Rosetta's mother said a very strange thing to me.  She said "Rosetta, she's not well you know, you'll find out ".  Rosetta, Danny and her family jumped in and said that she was better now. I didn't know what they meant at the time, for she seemed quite fit to me, except that she was not very bright and had some learning problems. If this one statement had been allowed to be explained, fully, it would have prevented a sad life for many people. However it would have probably also prevented the marriage.  I wasn’t sure what was in her parent’s minds, but the shame had to be covered up, by all. For she was not taking her meds of course and nobody was supervising as I did not know anything.

       So we had to get permission from a Bishop for a mixed marriage and Rosetta had to go to pre-wedding instruction. NO BIRTH CONTROL ETC..There she was taught not to use contraceptive methods condemned by the Church.  It all seemed a little crazy at the time, considering she was a, seventeen year old, pregnant girl. I felt very sorry for her for she was a simple girl involved in a whirlwind of circumstances.

What should have happened is our parents should have refused permission, and forgot about themselves and shame etc, and the child reared by Rosetta and her parents and me contributing. Letting children marry and then move them out to run down rooms and slums was no solution and set up a failed life or lives.Notwithstanding the threat of Rosetta going into one of those abusive Church run homes for unmarried pregnant girls.

 

       There was no opposition from her family, except some muted remarks about the Catholic nature of things.  Rosetta uncle was an Orangeman and banged the big Lambeg drum in the Orange Day March, but he was rarely seen. My father was informed for he had to sign the papers, as I was a seventeen year old minor and couldn't marry without special permission.  However he didn't attend the ceremony, which was hardly any surprise, although he was only less than an hour away. His total contribution was to say he was shocked....Of course he wouldn’t want the disgrace of it all on him either being a Catholic Head Schoolteacher.


Humiliating Catholic Wedding .

 

        On the day of the wedding I dressed in my one suit and prepared for the walk to the church. No Limousine for me! My brother Paul and sisters Maureen and Therese were not allowed to attend, much to their sorrow and consternation.  They were very disappointed and were crying.  I felt for them but I wasn't in charge.  This had to be a ritual humiliation, not a happy event.  My mother traveled separately, in Father Haa's Evans' car and I walked the couple of miles by myself.  The entire party consisted of her parents and my mother and that was it, not even a camera to record the event.  Her father said that he forgot to bring one.  I felt sorry for Rosetta, for this was her wedding day and she couldn't understand all this humiliation carried out in the name of religion.  I was already beyond caring what The Church thought of anything, but I was a Minor and had no choice! It took me all my life almost to throw off the programming and indoctrination of religion.

       We stood in the aisle for as Rosetta was a Protestant we were not allowed on to the altar. So the Sacrament of Marriage was turned into a Sacrament of Shame and Humiliation, and Rhi never recovered from it.  In all honesty I think that Rosetta mother would have done it better, if she had been allowed, and religion hadn't interfered in this situation.  The Priest was hovering around and there was no way it wasn't all going to be Catholic. (For, that wouldn't be recognised by the Church, and my family were very Irish Catholic, as was half of Merseyside.)

      Rose's mum in fact did offer, but there was no chance of that happening, I knew that much.  She offered the full wedding, white dress and everything, but in the Church of England.  I wish Rosetta's mum had refused to allow herself to be influenced, by my side.  Perhaps we could have had two ceremonies, but I needed permission as a minor, and it wouldn't be coming from my  parents as they were such good Catholics, weren't they?

 (Then perhaps Rosetta wouldn't have had to live, regretting the humiliation all her life.  I must say that I hated the Church for this, and the other stuff that I knew about it.  Later she always wanted to dummy up a wedding photo, to display to questioners but we never got around to it.  She wanted to rent the full gear, white dress and all but we never could afford it and I didn't think it was realistic. She also wouldn't accept wedding invitations.  So when I got an invitation from one of my friends or other, I used to decline, in respect to Rosetta. I'm afraid the Church may preserve some truths but some of its members don't follow suit.)

  I was not allowed to stay at home, much to my naive surprise. I had assumed that we could have had the back bedroom, until at least the baby was born. Father Evans-----Haa, found us a one-room slum tenement in an industrial area, in Birkenhead. (Long since demolished.) I didn't really mind the place at least it was our own and it was fairly clean..Even though Rosetta's family the Evan's were in business and had money.  What really annoyed me though was that the Clergy had a reputation that was not spotless and here was one castigating me! I think as their own reputations were so bad in the town they didn''t want me adding to it, and they being blamed for me. So I was thrown out of the house at seventeen years of age with a mentally ill pregnant wife, with intellectual problems..both children really..ahh well!! And a job at Cadbury’s Factory at 3 pounds 18 shillings a week, plus her two pounds fifty shillings from the Government...Maternity Benefit.---Times were going to be tough, but I was tough.

At least I was not in the odds of 90% of teenage fathers who run for the hills, leaving the mother and mother in law to raise the child. I stepped up to a very shaky plate and responsibility, which did not turn out well at all.

I also was still going to night school to finish my high school GCE graduation so at 17 still at that stage I was not ready in any way for the world. Especially moving  into a one bedroom London slum with a wife and child and no bathroom only a common toilet for the whole ancient dwelling..( 10 rented rooms).